Flim Critique- "The Mummy's Kiss: Second Dynasty"

Another blast from the past as I regurgitate a critique based on a film I saw after paneling a radio show where we were briefly sidetracked to softcore pron.
I'm not sure if that little blurb was as informative as intended, but who cares, really.
Also, please forgive the lack of screencaps. I went to all my sources and there were none to be found! My apologies.
So, I present to you, my intrepid readers, from KarmaCritic circa May 2008---

The Mummy's Kiss: Second Dynasty (2006)
starring: Kylie Wyote, Christine Nguyen, Stacy Burke
written and directed by Donald F. Glut



Not too long ago, one of our Karma-discussions quickly glazed over porn and its storyline deficiencies. It was a topic as quickly forgotten as it was talked about, and we moved on. Then, it was as if fate had intervened, for I stumbled across Mummy's Kiss: 2nd Dynasty. As I sat in bed, lube in hand, a revelation occurred; this erotic lez-fest had a pretty tight story going for it. So strong was the story, that I almost lost my wood as I was riveted by the plot (!). I said almost...

Donald F. Glut's follow-up to his mildly successful (by erotica standards) Mummy's Kiss (2003) offers top-billing to Kylie Wyote (aka Belinda Gavin, a personal fave) over Playboy playmate Christine Nguyen. The rest of the cast is a mish-mash of erotica's standard supporting players; Stacy Burke, Andrea Smith, Cindy Pucci, Alisa Robinson, Lorielle New and the Starr twins, Taylor and Tyler.

Our villain is eeeeeviiiiiil museum curator, Dr. Zita Furneaux (Wyote) who's getting ready to unveil the museum's latest exhibit, a mummy (hence the film's title). Nguyen plays investigative tabloid reporter Elyse Lam, on assignment to cover the museum's newest resident, but suspects something is fishy. It turns out her nose for news is on target, as eeeeeviiiiil Dr. Furneaux has discovered the secret to eternal youth, with some help from long dead Egyptian goddess, Neffer-Titty (Burke). I'm sure I'm mis-spelling that, as the name is almost unpronounceable, even by those with script in hand, not to mention difficult to spell. So for our purposes, let's call her Neffer-Titty.

Neffer-Titty confides in Dr. Furneaux that if she obtain people's "tam," (or life-spirit, I guess) she will reverse the aging process, which is just what the doctor ordered for eeeeviiiil Dr. Furneaux, as she finds herself smack-dab in the middle of a mid-life crisis. Neffer-Titty grants her the power to control the now revived mummy by way of a sacred amulet (you just knew there would be an amulet eventually in this flick). So the mummy goes out to kidnap young ladies, bring them to the museum, where Furneaux takes their tam through lesbian sex. (yay!) But eeeeviiiil Dr. Furneaux gets power-drunk and a bit too big for her own britches as she starts to see herself as a goddess. This doesn't sit well with Neffer-Titty, as she is a goddess who doesn't like to share the spotlight.

Meanwhile, Lam's investigation of the missing girls leads her to the museum, where she's caught by the mummy and engages in a four-way lesbian orgy with Furneaux's freshly-squeezed, tam-free handmaidens as the good doctor looks on. Pretty riveting stuff, no? Well hold on a sec...

After all, this is softcore porn and the script isn't exactly perfect, maybe not as strong as I'm building it up to be. Where Glut's script is strong in story and to a degree, even conveyance, his dialogue is surprisingly shoddy. Not surprising for a skinflick, but considering how good the story is, it seems odd that Glut would suddenly turn lazy when it came to speeches. I mean, Nguyen's Lam says and does things we all know an investigative reporter wouldn't say or do, and a lot of it doesn't really help the story as plot points. In fact, Nguyen's character really does nothing to resolve the conflict. She's just there as a topless Playboy playmate, and even though she does light a small fire under Furneaux's ass (to add a little tension, I suppose) eeeviiil Dr. Furneaux gets her come-uppins by way of a vengeful Neffer-Titty and the mummy as a recently tam-relieved Nguyen lies comatose on an altar.

Oh well, so it's not all roses. But now, some more good stuff.

The special effects are way cool. The mummy makeup is effectively creepy in night shots, and in light, it's not goofy at all. Very nice. And, Furneaux's transformations from old to young as she acquires more tam is very well done. In a nutshell, there's nothing cheesy at all about the fx, so visually speaking, this film is much better than the average softcore erotica.

As for performances, Wyote is a bit over-the-top for my taste, even as a villianess. And as I said before, Nguyen is just sort of there as eye-candy, but she delivers her weak dialogue about as well as can be expected with bad material. Neffer-Titty and the handmaidens are portrayed no different than you would expect in a film like this; topless and monotone, but not bad enough to ruin the film as a whole.

So I guess I recommend this film. Even if softcore isn't your cup of tea, rent this film, grab your significant other (or a bottle of lube) and have a little fun.

Internet addict Pornocat says, "She engages in a four-way lesbian orgy and you don't have screencaps?!? Mother-MEOWer!"








Guardian of the Universe Gamera says, "So are you going to just phone in your reviews from now on, Turz?"

XXX Film Critique- "Haunted"

For this first installment of your brand new, Pornographic Midnight Snack, I critique a film featuring a personal fave from the annals (tee hee) of PRON, Briana Banks. Why is she a personal fave? One need only watch her lone scene in today's morsel to understand why, for it is the only scene worth watching in this otherwise lackluster Jerome Tanner film from Legend.

Haunted (2001)
starring: Briana Banks, Claudia Adkins, Meriesa Arroyo, Evan Stone, Toni James, Bobby Vitale & Friday.
written by: are you kidding me???
directed by: Jerome Tanner



Amateur ghost hunter Briana Banks (before ghost hunting was trending on SciFi channel and the like) is convinced a certain house is haunted. She gathers three of her friends (Friday, Mariesa Arroyo, Dillon Day) to prove it to them.

Meet your team, folks. No hi-tech equipment, no green van, no talking dog. Just this.

We the viewers already know said house is haunted, thanks to an otherwise completely unrelated sex scene during the opening titles. Hunky apparition Mark Wood materializes for a romp with pre-bath Claudia Adkins. After pop, the only remaining ghostly evidence is a love letter written on the mirror in lipstick.

"Oh no! Did we forget to bring wine and ouija?"

But rather than set up infrared cameras and super-sensitive sound recording equipment, they sit around and drink while Briana delivers the minimum descriptive exposition required for a film to be considered "story based." There's no back story about the spooks residing there nor is there anything particularly special about the house. Indeed, glaringly absent is the "why is the house haunted" scenario, and how does Briana know for sure in the first place? Her message, in even simpler terms than delivered in the film, is "this house is haunted and if we hang out long enough we'll see ghosts." That's it.

"Nope. Wine and ouija, check!" *whew!*

Our brave gang soon come to realize that it's not chanting, burning candles or ouija boards that attract ghosts, but rather hot sex that does. Friday passes out drunk and is left alone to sleep it off. Mysteriously, her nighty slowly slips off, by itself! (booga-booga! effective PRONfx, lol). And then she has sex with a ghost (Evan Stone).

Let's just call this foreshadowing.

After pop, Friday runs downstairs to tell everyone what happened (still naked, of course). Hysterical, Friday runs out of the room. Intrigued, Briana and Day follow her. (They wanted to get a jump on analyzing the ectoplasm, I'm sure). Horny, Arroyo stays behind and starts playing with herself. Which, of course attracts another ghost (Lee Stone) and they have sex.
Day being the odd man out (both literally and figuratively) is concerned that he's the only one not getting laid by ghosts in this place and goes outside to ponder this with a cigarette. Enter the ghost played by Toni James and the stage is set for their sex scene.

The hostess with the mostest ghostests.

We finally get to Briana's lone sex scene in the film and believe me, it's worth the wait. Encircled by the lit candles, she performs one of the hottest solo acts in my memory, and when her otherworldly partner (Bobby Vitale) shows up, the scene loses no intensity. It is by far, the best part of the film and explains why, in part, Ms. Banks was one of the more popular porn stars when she was in her prime.
The other four scenes are not only more tame than the finale, but they are so much more uninspired. Director Jerome Tanner's lack of imagination is so blatant because each scene is formulaic and can be carbon copies of all the others. They follow the same pattern; solo act, bj, vaginal, anal, vaginal from behind and then pop. Banks' scene does this as well, but she delivers a more intense performance without going over the top. This shows that, when left to her own devices, Briana Banks deserved to be amongst the elite of the A-Listers of her day.

"Hell yes! We should do this again next week AND invite more friends!"

What would I have done differently? For starters I would have added more variety to the sexy stuff. But more importantly, I would have done something to make the purported haunted house look at least a little haunted. Again, Tanner's lack of imagination is on display as our setting looks exactly like what it is; any one of a hundred Hollywood area homes owned by whichever porn producer is on vacation that week, renting it out to another porn producer shooting a porn film in it. With only the slightest effort (a cobweb here, a black cat there accompanied by a spooky soundtrack) we the viewers could at least infer the house is haunted, thus making the dialogue unnecessary and freeing up some minutes for a shorter run time or an extra sex scene.
That's what I would have done.

If real-life ghost hunters looked like this, they'd get better results.

Coming up on the PRON front, Digital Playground's Babysitters with Jesse Jane.
Still to be rescued from Operation Orca are critiques for Dark Star and Mummy's Kiss: 2nd Dynasty.
And down the line, brand new Turzman Critiques for Abominable (2006) and The Valley of Gwangi (1969).

Internet addict Pornocat says, "Where are all the NSFW screencaps?"

Tales from the PRON Store, Part III

As a prelude to my upcoming Pornographic Midnight Snack cinema critique series, I offer this episode of Tales from the PRON Store that deals with the topic of Hypocrisy.

A man walks into the store today and announces to me (a captive audience of ONE, by the way) that places like this (meaning the PRON store) make him sick.
"Why?" I ask him, feigning interest.

He says, "Because people who are addicted to PRON make me sick." Without skipping a beat, he then asks me if he can use the restroom.
"Are you sure it's clean enough?" I said with a grin meant to imply sarcasm. He grinned back and started doing the Pee-Pee dance, indicating it was an emergency. I gave him the key, stating that I shouldn't because our restroom is for paying customers, only. He assured me that he would buy something, and I assured him he better damn well buy something.

After tinkling, he starts lecturing again about how he usually stays away from places that sell PRON because he can get addicted to it. This is when I asked the Rev if he was done preaching and would buy something. (Obviously, I have no sympathy for his pending addiction). After all that, this dickless hypocrite proceeded to buy the following items...

Not one, but two inflatable sheep blow up love dolls, a bondage kit for beginners, fuzzy handcuffs, a riding crop and a leather mask (the kind you see in fetish videos). The final tally was $156.78, a portion of which goes to my commission, and no, I don't feel guilty, contributing to his addiction. Hey, it's not like I sold him drugs or alcohol.

But I do hope he overdoses and dies while handcuffed to an inflatable sheep, wearing a leather fetish mask.

Guardian of the Universe Gamera says, "You should have burnt him with your fire breath and toppled him like a Tokyo high-rise."

Announcement- Coming Soon.

I've had this plan brewing in my head lately. I've also been putting it off. Not long ago, I asked my readers to challenge me with critique requests. You give me a flick, I hunt it down, view and critique it. Free of charge. I only received one Reader Request, so I figure that means I can pretty much pick whatever I wanna review. So I'm gonna run with my plan.

Coming soon to Turzman Central, a sub-category I shall fondly refer to as, your Pornographic Midnight Snack. I see no harm in, every once in a while, critiquing a film of the XXX variety. At worst, it's an admission to all of you that I watch PRON. Go circle the wagons.
Hell, I already touched softcore here, and to a degree, here. I currently find myself in a position of unlimited supply of opinion fodder, so I'm gonna turn up the heat a bit.
Rather than bog myself down with the seemingly infinite number of compilation, sex-only discs and Gonzo P.O.V. shootings, I will limit myself to films that at least attempt to have a story. The Pickens don't get as slim as you think.

Already in the bank, Haunted starring Briana Banks, and Digital Playground's Babysitters.

So stay tuned,
and as always,

Stay out of the water.