Have you ever wondered what the hell has happened to Hollywood, and why we are continually bombarded with sub-par, lame-ass, dog shit movies for entertainment?
It's simple, really. Movie producers no longer care about good stories, they just want to cash in on the ignorance of the average movie-goer. And these idiots keep feeding the machine by not only falling into the trap of spending ten bucks for a ticket and seven dollars for a small popcorn, but they actually think the movies are good.
Stupid people piss me off.
In the last two weeks, I've seen 3 movies (I was dragged to see them, actually).
One that will certainly tease box-office records (War of the Worlds),
one that is a potential summer blockbuster (Batman Begins),
and one that, let's face it, will be lucky to make a profit whether it recieves critical acclaim or not (George Romero's Land of the Dead).
Here's the irony...
the film guaranteed to make the most money was, by far, the worst of the three and Land of the Dead, which will soon be lost in the vast wasteland of video rental was the best.
Floating in between is the unimpressive Batman prequel which failed to impress me in the least.
Let's talk about War of the Worlds...
only Steven Speilberg can take a sci-fi classic and fuck it up as badly as this travesty that has both H.G. and Orson Welles spinning in their respective graves.
All of the action in this film is put on the back-burner as the wafer-thin Tom Cruise gets the most screen time with his two annoying and unlikeable children.
Explosions all around, soldiers getting creamed, and all Speilberg shows us is Tom dry-humping his son or trying to console his daughter (horribly portrayed by the over-rated Dakota Fanning). Every other sound out of her despicable mouth was a painful shrill of a scream that made my earlobes fold over in excrutiating pain.
What a waste of contemporary special effects.
The original film, shot and released over 50 years ago (1952, I think) had better FX, more action, more gore, and characters that were more believable, interesting and most importantly, more sympathetic to the audience. In short, it was a far superior movie to the turd currently in theaters.
Of course, Speilberg felt the need to change something that was already great, and totally re-worked the protagonist. Instead of a credible scientist, we are given a low-life, scumbag dock worker that has a temultuous relationship with his ex-wife and kids. The first half-hour of this snooze-fest is the back story behind this estranged family. It is uninteresting at best and smart movie-goers have absolutely no sympathy for these cock-gobblers.
When the action finally comes to us, it is a major let down.
Unlike the gory, scary, green flame burning death in the original, this one has people all around Cruise simply turning to ash.
Painless and gutless; typical Speilberg.
I'll say this for good ol' Stevie Filmmaker; at least he's gotten off that anti-gentile sentiment high horse he's been on for the last decade and did not try to remind us of how much better Jews are because they were treated so bad by the Nazis 60 years ago. He tried to entertain, but fell miserably short.
Unfortunately, because of you zombies that will blindly love this flick because of Speilberg, Cruise, and the cute little kids in it, this film will break boffo box office and we will continue to be held hostage by this cinematic crap constantly smeared in our faces.
Thanks a lot, assholes.
Speaking of zombies, I must say that Land of the Dead is a fun roller coaster ride of a motion picture and does more justice for Romero's Zombie franchise than Day of the Dead did.
Great performances by Dennis Hopper and John Leguizamo coupled with the mere prescence of the lovely Asia Argento make this film worth seeing by themselves. But the great action and the undead tearing people apart is always fun. My only complaint; not enough gore.
More limbs and heads being ripped from the host bodies and more intestines being chowed on like sausage would have better served this ghoul-fest.
As for Batman Begins, I give it an "eh..."
It didn't suck, but there was too much b.s. to be enjoyable. Now, I'm not saying the Tim Burton cluster-fucks were better, please don't get me wrong, but this unexciting yawn had me wondering when the movie was going to end. Not a good sign when seeing a movie.
The movie going experience is not the same as it was in the days of my youth. With the exception of The Incredibles, I cannot remember the last time I left a movie theater with a smile and a feeling of satisfaction. The general movie going public is to blame because they constantly fill the pockets of those producing sub-par entertainment. You people suck. Listen to my radio show this week to feel further wrath and have the opportunity to sound off against me, if you got the nuts.
Anyway, here are some great time-killers...
Watch this girl fall and bounce lifelessly on randomly placed bubbles...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/bubblegirl.html
Click and drag to throw her body around too!
Test your aim with Papertoss...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/papertoss.html
And a new great game for the games list...
The water supply to Chasmtown has mysteriously stopped. It's up to you to solve the mystery. I completed this game in under an hour...good luck!
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/chasm.html
Here are the other games...
A 3-D version of Pong called, CURVEBALL.
http://kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=931&rtn=main-topten
A personal fave, Mad Shark-
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/madshark.html
The very cool De-Animator. Beat my record of 538 zombies blasted...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/deanimator.html
A variation of the classic Breakout called, Breakit...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/breakit.html
Bumper cars meet Air Hockey in Bumperball...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/bumperball.html
See how far you can knock these penguins...
http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf
My record is 313 feet.
Help this drunk stagger home...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/homerun.html
Try to beat my 412 meters.
This pic always makes me laugh...
lol-- stupid hockey ref!
my beautiful goddess.
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Shoot me an e-mail at mike@turzman.com
