Aloha also means, "Hello."

The first two months on my new island have been, let's call it interesting. The relocation was very easy, considering we got the place online without ever seeing it in person. Our cars were shipped directly and right on time, thanks to the wonderful staff at the UPS Store in Riverside, who over-saw shipping of all our stuff (one entire pallet's worth).

The job hunt was a success, whereas in less than one month I found a good sales job with strong commissions and full medical bennies. To be frank, I sell porn. Judge as you may but be aware that there is no shame working in a recession-proof industry. I love my new job, because my strong upselling and suggestive selling skills have carried over. Case in point-

The other day I noticed a guy browsing our "masturbation aids." Your basic jerk-sleeves retail at about $12.95. After about ten minutes with this guy, I had him sold on a $65 Fleshlight and I tacked on a $13 bottle of water-based lube. FYI, you don't want a silicone-based lube for it will eat away the lining of your fleshlight. You're welcome. I wish to educate as well as entertain, but only the advice is free.

The point is, when I worked at a certain, shitty coffee dispensary which I now boycott, and the taco dispensary which I miss with all my heart, I prided myself on my ability to upsell. At risk of tooting my own horn, nobody moved pastries like me. I was, and still am the king of churros, bunuelos, cookies, donuts and flakey & buttery croissants.

My sales success in the PRON bizniz is proof that I still got the Goods, and no one can take that away from me. Boo-yeah.

I have not made any new friends, which is fine considering I don't want any. My co-workers are fine enough, and they are a great bunch of fellas, t'boot. Plus, I meet an entirely different species of folk, which can do nothing but make my stories all the more entertaining.

As an added bonus, I've come to learn that filming for the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean installment will be on my island this summer, and open casting calls take place mid-April. I am going for it. I see this as maybe a final attempt at glory before I "hang up my cleats," as I planned to do long before my transplant to the Tropics.

So despite leaving friends and family behind, I find myself in a place I thought impossible as recently as last summer; HAPPINESS and CONTENTEDNESS.

The downside is, my laptop took a dump and I surf the Net on a borrowed computer, so updates will be few and far between until I get my own pc. I also plan to write my Turzman Critiques again. I no longer care that nobody reads them. From now on, I will write movie reviews for me and my own enjoyment. Anybody who wants to tag along can do a lot worse, but I will no longer view readership as "gravy on top." People can take my advice before going to the cinema, rental house or Netflix, or not. It's your money.

So, until I get a new pc, I'll see you in the funny papers. Cheers-



-and party on.