Bookoff = Ripoff

So the only used book store I found on my island with a buy/sell/trade policy is this joint called Bookoff Hawaii. They have two convenient locations in Oahu's two biggest malls. I'm looking to trade off some old Alex Cross, Jack Reacher, Star Wars and misc novels for some new Alex Cross, Jack Reacher and Eve Dallas novels, so I took a stack over there today.
Nine books in great condition, two of which were purchased brand new only two weeks ago, and they only offered me $1.60 for them.
Nine books, a dollar sixty.
So they can turn around and sell them for 5 bucks apiece.

I told Bookoff to Fuckoff.

If I'm gonna give my shit away, I'll donate my books to my local library in Waipahu, because I know for certain they will not turn around and mark them up 450% from what they paid for them.

So that's the plan, I will become great friends with my local library and donate my new books, fresh off Border's shelf and read only once, and feel great about the transaction despite getting nothing in return.
Imagine- giving stuff away for nothing in return and feeling good about it. Libraries are cool.

Tonoose, envoy to the Blind Dead says, "Reading books is a concept that is both barren and foreign to me. Of course, I am blind, which explains why quite clearly. It also explains why I don't care too much for movies, TV or the Internet. Why I hate radio still baffles me."

Film Critique- "Bare Naked Survivor"

Oh, why the hell not? I got another one like this coming soon...

Retrieved from the now defunct KarmaCritic by way of Operation Orca.
From almost 2 years ago to the day...

Bare Naked Survivor, (2001)
starring: Julie K. Smith, Shauna O'Brien, Alexus Winston, Aimee Sweet, Aria Giovanni, Tess Broussard, Lenny Juliano and Allen Glazier as "Ape."
written by: Jimmy Diblanket
directed by: Doug Hoffman



No food, no men, NO CLOTHES. What a tagline, eh? Well, it served its purpose in my case, offering two tantalizing things; a parody of something I absolutely hate (reality TV), and beautiful, naked women. In a testament to how lame I am, I learned that I expected too much from something that offered so little; Penthouse pets on an island. To my chagrin, I found that I've become so "mature," that a film needs more than just t*ts on a beach to hold my interest. How depressing.

In my defense, Bare Naked Survivor offers a veritable "who's who" from softcore porn and Penthouse pages. Softcore legends Julie K. Smith and Shauna O'Brien head the cast that includes the super-sexy Alexus Winston, Aimee Sweet (whom I adore), Aria Giovanni (who I have lusted after for about six years now) and the surprisingly butter-faced Tess Broussard, who I had never heard of before, and with good reason. Who would have thought that t*ts like those could be overshadowed by such an ugly face? Rounding out our merry cast is Lenny Juliano as Cliff Probate, the doofus in charge of the whole contest thing.

Oh yeah, there's a contest.

Our next challenge is to take off our clothes and frolic on a beach. Again.

In the retarded spirit of Survivor, the girls are supposed to do moronic tasks for points, and of course, there is voting out of the tribe, but the "plot" (HA!) is so mundane and the tasks are so idiotic that the viewer can't help but hope there is an active volcano, a giant gorilla, cannibalistic natives, malaria; something that will just kill these f**kers off. But that never happens. Instead, we are given ample titties, upon which the viewer says, "Hey look, t*ts." But they are hardly a saving grace.

This film is hardly what one might call "erotic cinema." So weak compared to other softcore films, Bare Naked Survivor barely rates the hard "R", and dangerously toes the PG-13 line. The best part is a scene where Aimee Sweet strips of her panties, graciously and mercifully showing her bush as she's engaged in conversation with Winston. Yes, conversation. About lipstick. The film's promise of lesbian scenes are reduced to some watered down, soft petting and kissing, which after so many times becomes, in a word, unsexy. Nobody thought to bring dildos to the island, I guess.
Oh bother...

The only guy on an island full of women and he has to beg.

I cannot recommend this film at all. Unless you are a hopeless, infatuated fanatic of one of the girls, there's nothing here for you. To summarize, I'd like to quote Gray, where he so eloquently states, "What's the big deal? It's just a pair of t*ts."

And how, brother.

Amity Island Harbor Master Frank Silva says, "What the hell is this crap I just read? The movie was nuthin' but skin 'n' bone womans in their beach underwears. And, ye already posted this once before. Can't ye come up with somethin' new, or are ye gonna post that old one about lesbians with the mummy? You stink, Turz."






Internet addict Pornocat says, "Lesbians? Mummies? Meow for me?"

Film Critique- "Tropic Thunder"

Ripped from the archives at Operation Orca circa August, 2008...

Tropic Thunder (2008)
starring: Ben Stiller, Robert Downey, Jr, Jack Black, Nick Nolte, Jay Baruchel, Brandon T. Jackson, Steve Coogan, Danny McBride
written by: Ben Stiller, Justin Theroux, Ethan Cohen
directed by: Ben Stiller



Ben Stiller hits the cinematic trifecta as co-writer, co-producer, director and star of Tropic Thunder; a film that is laugh out loud funny, creative, beautifully shot and features perhaps the most impressive supporting cast in recent memory. It's not as star-laden as say, It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (not even close), but the performances are memorable. Combine that with a plethora of hilarious one-liners, and Tropic Thunder delivers an instant classic. That's huge praise considering I'm not as easy to please at the movie-going experience as most people.

Ben Stiller may be a great writer, director and actor, but he SUCKS as a caterer.

The film opens with three mock trailers introducing our main players (Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey, Jr.). They are, respectively, the hottest action star, comedy star and Oscar-winner in Hollywood, and they're teaming up to shoot Tropic Thunder, the most realistic, big budgeted, blow em up war flick, ever. On location in Viet Nam, the production is a mess as the crew face problem after problem, and the chemistry between these superb thespians, in a manner of speaking, just ain't there.

A Dirty Dozen, minus six, plus two bars of soap, divided by a six-pack of Booty Sweat equals "Tropic Thunder."

The director (Steve Coogan) is taking the brunt of the blame from the executive producer (Tom Cruise. Yes, the Tom Cruise. Who is, for the first time in my opinion, absolutely brilliant!) So the director, under advice from the author of the book that inspired this film (Nick Nolte!) decides that dropping his cast into authentic harm's way will produce the chemistry he needs. Stupid? Yes. Would that really happen? No f*cking way. But luckily for us, it happens here, for what follows is a string of hilarious mayhem and calamity that never grows tiresome.

I will NOT sing "Mammy." Don't ask me again.

The mix of Stiller, Black and Downey, Jr. is effectively divided up, as each are able to showcase their particular talents evenly and effectively. Jack Black is the standard Jack Black, raised to the power of ten, rather than diluted as he was in Nacho Libre. Robert Downey, Jr. could not have hoped for a better follow-up to Iron Man, as he has done the equivalent of hitting two grand slam home runs in a row. Of course, there's Stiller who proves he can be brilliant both behind and in front of the camera, and Thunder is a refreshing break from his recent string of turds (ie: The Heartbreak Kid, Night at the Museum).

Happy Tet! Today is Tet, right?

The trio is directly supported by Jay Baruchel and Brandon T. Jackson (as the other actors in this movie within a movie), Danny McBride (as the special fx guy) and Steve Coogan as the film's director. Throw in the support of Cruise, Nolte and Matthew McConaughy, and pepper in cameos from Tyra Banks, Jon Voight, Tobey Mcguire and others of their ilk, and you've got yourself one pretty enjoyable film.

Don't wait to rent this. Tropic Thunder should be experienced on the big screen. We, as audience members, owe the price of admission to a film that truly entertains at this level.

Consider the suggestion that Tobey McGuire and Robert Downey, Jr. play a pair of homosexual monks that use the rosary as anal beads in a film entitled Satan's Alley.

'Nuff said.

Guardian of the Universe Gamera says, "I auditioned for the role Tom Cruise plays, but they told me I didn't look 'Jewish enough.' Well neither did Tom Cruise before all that makeup!"

Film Critique- "The Whole Nine Yards"

Ripped from the archives at Operation Orca circa May, 2008, a film that features Matthew Perry in a role that doesn't make you want to strangle the breath from his putrid lungs.

The Whole Nine Yards (2000)
starring: Bruce Willis, Matthew Perry, Natasha Henstridge, Michael Clarke Duncan, Kevin Pollack, Rosanna Arquette, Amanda Peet
written by: Mitchell Kapner
directed by: Jonathan Lynn



Matthew Perry made his mark on this biz as TV's Chandler Bing on Friends. In every subsequent role in his career since then, Perry has played no-one but Chandler. The smarmy, neurotic, nervous and timid characterization he carried into motion pictures was very annoying long before Friends finished its prime-time run and it proved that Perry, as an actor, is about as one-dimensional as the rest of the Friends cast. Of course, this proved to be detrimental to Perry's endeavors as a leading man. In a nutshell, he sucks. He does nothing different in The Whole Nine Yards. But the film shows us that, under the right circumstances, surrounded by true talent and subject to clever writing, even a hack like Matthew Perry can shine and deliver.

Do you think Mr. Willis will give us an autograph?

Perry's Chandler Bing is disguised as Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky, an American dentist living in misery in Montreal with his strumpet of a wife (Rosanna Arquette). His hum-drum life is turned topsey-turvey when he gets a new next door neighbor, Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski (Bruce Willis), a former hit man for the mob turned federal informant. What follows is a string of hilarious events that play directly (and perfectly) into the incapable hands of Perry's limited acting ability.

No you can't have my fu*king autograph.

Oz is so far removed from his element and subjegated to things and people so foreign to him, that the quirky, neurotic nervousness that Perry can only play is a perfect fit and compliments the rest of the cast to a tee. The chemistry between the characters is on target, and stems directly from Perry; a tremendous feat considering the impressive, all-star cast the film boasts.

Surely Bruce will give ME, Kevin Pollack an autograph.

Besides Willis and Arquette, there's Kevin Pollack, fantastic as Yanni Gogolak, Michael Clarke Duncan as Frankie (whose interactions with Oz are, in a word, golden), Natasha Henstridge as Oz's love interest once his bitch of a wife is out of the picture, Harland Williams in what is, I think, his most serious role (and he's still frigging hilarious), and the formerly over-hyped and way too over-rated Amanda Peet; the film's sole weak link. But where she lacks in acting talent, she more than makes up for with some extended scenes of her bare breasts. Sorry, fans of the Peet, but that's all she's got going here and that's all she's able to deliver.

I don't have it! He wouldn't give me an autograph, I swear to God!

Otherwise, this film is a gem. Rent it, purchase it, enjoy it. If you've already seen it, see it again. It's one of those films that never gets dull.

Why doesn't anybody want MY autograph?

COMING SOON TO TURZMAN DOT COM-
My "Stay Out of the Water" film critique series gets an extension by way of Reader Request and I'll sink my teeth into Deep Blue Sea shortly.
And still to come, the survivors of the wreckage known as earlier Turzman Critiques from Operation Orca and the now defunct but sorely missed KarmaCritic.

Amity Island Harbor Master Frank Silva says, "Finally, Turz will review a movie with some sort of seafood featured in it. I have to say, the review for Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus sucked as bad as the movie did."