One Brown Mouse

Some beer was spilled on the barroom floor
When the pub was shut for the night.
When from out of his hole crept one brown mouse
Who stood in the pale moonlight.

He lapped up the frothy foam from the floor
Then back on his haunches he sat,
And all night long you could hear the mouse roar,
"BRING ON THE FUCKING CAT!"

XXX Film Critique- "Babysitters"

This film comes dangerously close to not qualifying for a Turzman critique. The “plot,” albeit simplistic by even PRON standards, is so contrived to set up the sex that Babysitters is more compilation than story driven. However, since I already took the time to collect screencaps and watch the thing, away we go. From Digital Playground...

Babysitters (2007)
starring: Jesse Jane, Teagan Presley, Shay Jordan, Sophia Santi, Sasha Grey, Alektra Blue, Nikki Benz, Nautica Thorn, Gina Lynn, Angie Savage, Lexxi Tyler, Tommy Gunn, Charles Dera, Jay Lassiter
written by: I dunno, a headless monkey?
directed by: Robby D.



Five couples have plans to go out and hire babysitters to watch the kids. In what is possibly the most amazing (and forced) coincidence in all cinema history, all their plans fall through. Suddenly with oodles of free time, all the babysitters have sex with everybody. Except the children. That would be illegal.

"Um, I don't know what you think babysitting is, but I don't watch kids. I assist husbands in committing adultery!"

Aside from said coincidence, there is absolutely no lineation connecting the sex. And the sex scenes, with one exception (more on that later), aren't all that noteworthy.
We open with Tommy Gunn greeting Jesse Jane at the door, and suddenly cut to Tony De Sergio greeting Nautica Thorn at the door. Thorn is there to babysit De Sergio’s kid, so naturally they have sex. Ironic, considering his wife hired the babysitter because he’s too inept to care for his own child (who is somewhere in the house while daddy is getting his nookie, by the way).

"What, what whaaaaa?!?!?!"

Up next is Sasha Grey, but before she can get to her babysitting gig, she gets dumped by her boyfriend (!). Because she won’t have sex with him (!!). (Can’t get laid by Sasha Grey in a PRON flick?! Sucks to be you, dude.) What follows is kind of confusing…

This is a precursor to the most disturbing use of saliva, ever!

Sasha’s gig has been cancelled and the reasoning is a testament to how much of a jerk Charles Dera’s character is. Apparently, he sent his wife off to a Tupperware party so he could have a bachelor party for his friends (Jay Lassiter, Jerry and Sascha). But instead of calling a hooker or a stripper, he called a babysitter (?) To top off the nonsense, Grey is more than willing to be the star attraction of their gang-blowjob because she needs the money! So let’s think about this; she won’t have sex with her boyfriend, but she’ll have sex with complete strangers for money. Oh yeah- just the kind of girl I fantasize about. And by the way, the scene is quite probably the sloppiest, most disgusting, saliva-drenched episode I’ve ever witnessed. I swear, by the end, there’s enough spit on Grey’s face to saturate the Sahara and grow grass. I didn’t think it possible for me to lose my wood while watching a sex scene featuring Sasha Grey, but Babysitters manages to pull off that miracle.

The Surgeon General has determined that sex with Teagan Presley will cure a broken leg.

Mercifully, we cut to the Tupperware party, and I say mercifully because it leads to the best part of the film; Sophia Santi takes charge of a full-out lesbian orgy featuring Alektra Blue, Angie Savage, Lexxi Tyler, and Sammie Rhodes. As hot as the scene is, it cannot save this film because during the final four scenes, I found myself wondering when the hell this snooze-fest was going to end.

"Hmmm, guys with beer at a bachelor party. I see why you called a babysitting service."

Teagan Presley is paired with Tyler Wood, and then Shay Jordan humps Scott Nails. After pop, Nails leaves so Jordan can hump Gina Lynn and Ben English. This leads to our finale where Tommy Gunn and Nikki Benz double team Jesse Jane. Typical PRON fare, nothing special worth mentioning.

The premise of Babysitters is so absurd and the sex is so hum-drum that I cannot give this film a Turzman recommendation. Aside from high production quality (which we’ve come to expect from Digital Playground) and the one hot lesbian orgy, this film is not worth your time.

Internet addict Pornocat says, "With a title like Babysitters, they could have at least had a picture of a child somewhere to give the film credibility."

Film Critique Hiatus: IT'S SHARK WEEK !

In lieu of it being Shark Week on Discovery Channel, I find myself lacking the ambition to do anything but watch a bunch of Shark Docs on the tube.
So no mainstream stuff nor PRON will be opined on this week but the carnage will continue soon enough.





I have only one critique remaining to be retrieved from the archives at Operation Orca and NONE remaining at the now defunct KarmaCritic. So coming soon, as soon as I gather some screencaps will be my look at Dark Star, an attempt at comedy from early in John Carpenter's career.

Coming soon by way of the Pornographic Midnight Snack, I know, I promised takes on Nurses and Babysitters and I will keep my promise. Further down the road, I'll write something about an offering featuring Lanny Barbie that caught my eye from the shelves. After that, Digital Playground gets ambitious by purchasing real airplane sets for their opus, Fly Girls. Here's the trailer...



On a personal note, I suffered a tremendous loss a little over a week ago and despite knowing I did what's best for me, last week was rough. I really thought she was the one for me; so special and unique and we just "clicked" well for a long time. Well to my chagrin I came to realize that she's just as special as a pencil in an office. The same size, shape and color as the rest.
Oh well. She has taken the steps to make sure I can't contact her; ie: changed e-mail, changed phone number and a block on Facebook & mySpace. On top of that, she's moving to a new apartment this month so I won't even have a snail-mail addy.

*sighs*

I should see this as a blessing, though. If I apply the "out of sight, out of mind" theory the pain should secede soon enough. I honestly wish her all the best, and I hope she finds a way to purge herself of all the demons that haunt her. Apparently she took care of the first one easily enough.

I'm speaking of me, jackass!


(Good bye, KT.)

XXX Film Critique- "No Love Lost"

This edition of the Pornographic Midnight Snack is brought to you by Digital Playground-

No Love Lost (2009)
starring: Raven Alexis, James Deen, Mick Blue, Charles Dera, Alexis Texas, Kerry Louise, Scott Nails, Kristina Rose, Sadie West
written by: uh-huh
directed by: Robby D



In what is most certainly the coolest bachelor pad I have ever seen, James Deen and Charles Vera are lounging around an indoor pool (in what appears to be the living room, no less, complete with fully stocked bar, fire pit, big screen TV and a kick-ass sound system) with a couple of hotties (Alexis Texas, Kerry Louise). Just when the romance starts wafting into the air, there’s a knock on the door…

Ah, to be young and single in the PRONiverse!

…and Deen welcomes old friend Raven Alexis who is running away from her abusive boyfriend (Scott Nails). Raven sees the coupling alignment and doesn’t want to be the fifth wheel at the party. This normally is not a problem in the PRONiverse but Deen anticipated her arrival and planned accordingly. Enter Mick Blue, who is more than happy to play jack to Raven’s rabbit, so our number of players is evened out.

Upon showing her to her room, Raven provides Deen and the rest of us with some exposition, thus allowing this film to be story based. Her boyfriend beats her and she wants out. That’s not a problem for Deen, who obviously has plenty of room in his mansion for her to stay as long as she wants. “Just put on your bikini and join the party downstairs.” Deen says…

"Hello. I am a damsel in distress. Have ye a knight for me, kind sir?"

…so she does, and the table is set for most of our sex. After a few minutes of idle chat and some horseplay around the pool, the three couples part ways for some pseudo privacy. In three separate scenes, Dera hooks up with Alexis Texas, Kerry Lousie boinks Deen and of course, Raven is paired with Blue. The scenes are done quite well. They start off hot and maintain intensity while chewing up a fair amount of run time.

"Sorry, fresh out of knights. All I got left is this."

Alexis Texas uses her best ASSet (her butt, silly!) to pound away at Vera in this reverse cowgirl that made my jaw drop to the floor, and the pairing of Deen and Kerry is quick paced and stays fresh with a lot of position changes. Raven and Blue play it slowly and more sensual which works well because we can tell she is just so happy to be having sex with somebody other than her boyfriend. Which segues to the boyfriend.

Are you serious? Ladies? Really?

Next day, Scott drops by unannounced while Raven’s home alone, prepping a late breakfast for herself. He pulls off a noble effort on the “so you thought you could just walk away” schtick and has a little revenge sex. There’s nothing brutal about the scene, it’s just your standard PRON fare and Raven looks as if she’s enjoying it once she stops her whimpering. If this is her idea of abusive, she should be running away twice as fast from Mick Blue, based on just the last scene. But Scott is the film’s designated bad boy so shortly after pop he gets his ass whupped by Blue when the gang gets back from wherever it was they went. Deen and Dera have traded in the first girls for Sadie West and Christina Rose for reasons that remain a mystery, but it’s no downgrade. Dera has West while Deen takes Rose in two separate scenes to close the film on a strong note.

Hey! No non sex-related horseplay in the pool area! There's no lifeguard on duty.

Surprisingly, there’s no final scene with Raven and Blue. One would think that the hero and damsel should make whoopee once the “dragon” is slayed but alas, the film makers either wanted to keep the run time down or they were bound by the Mick Blue Proviso.

Revenge sex in 3... 2... 1

As is the case with Digital Playground productions, the quality is top-notch. The picture is clear, sound is crisp and overall is on tier with mainstream cinema. Raven Alexis is dazzling as the featured performer, as the earthy brunette gloriously teeters somewhere between “girl next door” and “the dorky teen from high school that grew up into a top shelf hottie.” Unfortunately, her acting (and the other cast members, too) is the nail in this coffin.

"Don't let my tattoo fool you. I'm really a tough guy."

The story is simple enough for PRON standards but the actors deliver rather poorly. Raven’s exposition with Deen is almost enough to make you want to eject the disk altogether (thank God for fast-forward!) and Blue is out-loud laughable when he’s hitting on her, and still more laughs are elicited during his “fight scene” with Nails. No, the dramatization No Love Lost attempts is certainly a train-wreck.

"Are you man enough to take me, my posse and my posse's pussy? Huh?"

The sex is worth the drama though, as all performers deliver admirably and Raven Alexis is, to coin a phrase, cute as a button. I recommend this film.

Guardian of the Universe Gamera says, "Scott Nails can sure use a lesson or three on self-defense. He went down faster than a porn star when the director yells action! What? That was funny, no?"