You heard me right.
As ashamed of myself as I am, I did the unmentionable yesterday. I broke a solemn vow, (much like Hatori Hanzo in Kill Bill) and visited the self-proclaimed "happiest place on Earth."
(Happiness is in the heart of the beholder. Personally, in my opinion {to which I am entitled} I think Disneyland is a rotten, overcrowded, miserable shithole).
But it is true, the crystal ball in the haunted mansion does float now, instead of just sitting on the table with the chick's head in it. The chick's head is till in the ball, and her mouth continues to run non-stop, but more on the crystal ball later. Let me start with parking...
Having never been back since long before the California Adventure park was even a hard-on in Michael Eisner's pants, I was unaware of Disneyland's new parking schema, and guess what-
they fucked it up.
Leave it to Disney to take a simple concept like parking and turn it into a "grade one cluster fuck." Rather than rape the consumers with the fee and tell them where to park in an open lot, they give you the receipt (and parking is only $10 now. Holy crap!!! A price that actually decreased??? Damn!) and send you back out onto Ball Road and three miles down to the new parking complex.
Let me repeat that because it's rather idiotic...
you drive into an empty lot, pay the fee, get the receipt, and drive onto a street and down the block (about 3 miles, we had to ask for directions twice because we couldn't believe this was actually happening).
The parking complex is a nice touch. I appreciate that my black Honda Civic does not have to take a pounding by the sun for nine hours, making the steering wheel untouchable. But why not sell the parking permits at the parking structure? It only works in every single other parking garage in the world, why wouldn't it work in Anaheim? Does Disney have to feel SO unique in every aspect that they have to change a concept like parking your car? Do they have to make it more confusing and annoying to the customers just for the sake of being different? I can't think of any other reason why they would set this up like that.
I understand that traffic would be fucked up on Ball Rd, leading all the way back to the freeway, but since when is Disney concerned with efficiency or the well being of their consumers? Once your money is in their till, they don't give less than a shit about you. So despite parking prices being reasonable, parking is still fucked.
Now, as for California Adventure, it sucks, just like Disneyland.
The same crowds, lines and price gauging make this park a carbon copy of it's older brother. But I've been told many different times how great the California Adventure is.
Stupid people piss me off...
First of all, a day pass for both parks costs $75 per person.
One word: larceny.
The next atrocity:
We stood in line for almost 2 hours to ride a Bigfoot Rapids ripoff (which is a Roaring Rapids ripoff) and then we went on a ride which, Ezequiel swore up and down, that I would love.
The Hollywood Hotel Twilight Zone Tower of Terror.
The impressive moniker not withstanding, it is simply a combination of Free Fall and the Haunted Mansion, sans the whimsey.
Again, we stood in line for almost 2 hours, and the interior of this hotel is simply a front desk-set with massive amounts of cobwebs. Ooooo- spooky. Then we watch a watered-down, Disney-produced, unimpressive intro to a Twilight Zone episode (including a piss poor voice over by an amateur Rod Serling impersonator, don't quit your day job kiddo) where they gave a lame, cut and paste, thrown together at the last minute, back story of the ghosts that supposedly haunt this 13 story turd in the sky.
We are then led through the bowels of this building, more cobwebs covering what is supposed to look like a boiler room, and we wait for another 40 minutes. When we finally get to the ride portion of this giant line simulator attraction, we sit down, and then we go up and down, 3 times, really fast. In between, we are shown holographic ghosts talked about in the back story. In a nutshell, BFD. The lone saving grace of the Tower of Terror is the weightless feeling associated with a free fall. Floating in your seat underneath your seatbelt is truly a cool feeling that everyone must experience once, but I suggest you go to Six Flags and ride the original Free Fall, because the lame ass ghosts do this Tower attraction no justice.
I'll say this for the California Adventure, California Screamin' is a bitchin' roller coaster, one of the best I've ridden. And on this glorious day, the wait in line was under ten minutes. We actually rode this one twice, back to back, and I'd do it again if the line is that quick.
Next atrocity:
Disneyland's main park; a monument to capitalism incarnate where millions of morons come to worship a six foot fucking rat. I swear, I hope Mickey gets hold of some tainted cheese and drops dead as children watch and become emotionally ruined for the rest of their lives.
Disneyland; that mystical place where a 50 cent churro magically costs $2.50. A place where close quarters reek of B.O. and sweat and nobody seems to care. A place where minions constantly remind you of non-existant "smoking areas" when you want to light up, but never show you where one of these imaginary places are. A place where children love to go, hate to leave and scream loudly when it's time to go. A place where adults hate to go, love to leave, but would never admit it, for the sake of the very rugrats responsible for this hellish excursion. A place where slow people with strollers hinder the progress of people trying to get from point A to B, and then get cursed by the slow people for walking too fast.
Idiots, all of them.
There is one note of good news rising from this ash of horrible memories. Space Mountain has re-opened after being shut down for 5 years. You want irony? I didn't even know the ride was shut down and we go on the day they are having the sneak preview. That is cool because Space Mountain is a fun ride. You want funny? They didn't change a goddamn thing, after being shut down for FIVE YEARS. The ride is pretty much the same, except it's a lot smoother of a ride than I remember. Plus, they did come back to their senses and turn the lights off, like the old-school Space Mountain.
A darkened room, with only superimposed stars everywhere, brings back the tradition of the ride from my youth. It was like seeing an old friend after many years.
So that's it. A day at Disneyland from the eyes of a Disney hater. Does the truth hurt too much, you lame-ass mouse lovers? Read my words and then take a look in the mirror.
Behold the Fool!!!
Oh yeah- I almost forgot...
the crystal ball at the Haunted Mansion floats now.
Visit Julisa at http://www.piczo.com/julisaspencer?g=10424186
Here is the games list...
A 3-D version of Pong called, CURVEBALL.
http://kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=931&rtn=main-topten
A personal fave, Mad Shark-
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/madshark.html
The very cool De-Animator. Beat my record of 538 zombies creamed...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/deanimator.html
A variation of the classic Breakout called, Breakit...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/breakit.html
Bumper cars meet Air Hockey in Bumperball...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/bumperball.html
See how far you can knock these penguins...
http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf
My record is 313 feet.
Help this drunk stagger home...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/homerun.html
Try to beat my 412 meters.
The water supply to Chasmtown has mysteriously stopped. It's up to you to solve the mystery. I completed this game in under an hour...good luck!
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/chasm.html
Watch this girl fall and bounce lifelessly on randomly placed bubbles...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/bubblegirl.html
Click and drag to throw her body around too!
Test your aim with Papertoss...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/papertoss.html
mmmmm........
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