starring: Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, Charlize Theron, Idris Elba
written by: Jon Spaihts, Damon Lindelof
directed by: Ridley Scott
I just got back from seeing Prometheus. It fails not only as a decent film but it barely qualifies as a prequel to 1979's Alien. If we are to take Ridley Scott at his word and accept this rubbish into the Alien canon, then Prometheus is, by far, the WORST entry in a franchise that includes Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, and the two Alien vs. Predator abortions.
Here are some taglines that you can be sure are more appropriate and accurate than anything the marketing team at 20th Century Fox is gonna throw in your face...
"In space, no one can hear you demand a refund."
~ Mike Tursi, Interwebs entertainer.
"I'd rather go to the dentist than see Prometheus again."
~ Ezequiel Martinez Jr, Filmmaker.
"Prometheus has all the same elements as Alien except for the two things that made it great; suspense and an alien."
~ Mike Tursi, Interwebs entertainer.
"Ridley Scott should be ashamed of himself."
~ any reasonable human being that has seen both Alien and Prometheus.
In a nutshell, Prometheus is the biggest disappointment since Star Wars: Episode I, and that's saying A LOT.
With nary an original idea, Prometheus trudges along searching for the origins of human life on Earth, thinly veiled as the events leading up to the events in Alien, but don't be fooled. Ridley Scott not only throws the events from both Alien vs. Predators films out the window, but he only connects his tale by way of using the name Weyland (the big, faceless, eeeeeviiiiiiil corporation that has been present in all the films) and the use of the prefix "LV" when referring to the moon they are traveling to.
The crew ends up on LV-223 (not to be confused with LV-426, where all the fun stuff in the first two films happened) where they find a military installation loaded with chemical weapons and spaceships not unlike the one found on LV-426 in the original film.
Sweet Jesus, I'm exhausted already.
As it turns out, the dead "space jockey" we all remember fondly from the original was a member of a species that created life on Earth tens of thousands of years ago, and then woke up one morning wanting to kill all life on Earth.
Don't bother wondering why. The "whys" are never answered, even when the characters onscreen wonder and ask, "Why?" The only "why" to consider is why Ridley Scott wasted our time. I have a theory...
My guess is Scott had this idea for a story about origins of life on Earth, ancient aliens and their plan to eradicate humans but his premise and original story were so stupid that not even a Hollywood producer would buy into it. Rather than concede to defeat and move on, he re-submitted the same idea with the addendum, "oh by the way, it's a prequel to Alien."
It was at this point where I assume the morons in charge at 20th Century Fox gave Ridley Scott a blank check.
At best, Prometheus is an insult to anyone who enjoyed the original Alien or any of its offspring. At its worst, the film is a derivative, highly contrived, predictable piece of formulaic sci-fi garbage; a classless B movie with an obscene budget. Ridley Scott apparently took a page from the George Lucas/Steven Speilberg guide to ruin great movie franchises and ran straight to the bank with a deposit slip in his fist. The sole Alien connection he gave a damn to throw in that actually featured a physical alien was little more than an afterthought, 45 seconds before the credits roll.
Shame, shame, shame on Ridley Scott, assuming he can feel shame. Ridding oneself of all scruples and morality is rule #1 in the Lucas/Speilberg guide.
Guardian of the Universe Gamera says, "The most interesting thing about this film is we learn Charlize Theron needs at least a pound of makeup to look ugly."
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