The Literature Game

The Literature Game-

Here's a fun way to kill a couple of minutes. But be warned, this requires a book. Any book. If you don't have a book, you probably never learned how to read and are not seeing this post anyways.

Look around, find a book. Grab the first book you see.
It doesn't matter what genre or type, fiction or non-fiction. Any book will do fine.

Open it to page 37, look at the second paragraph.
Leave a comment in my box for all to see, write the third line of the paragraph, ver batim.
(That means, "word for word").

Just the one line, don't tell us the title or author. Let's see what weird stuff you all read.

Next, copy paste and post this note wherever you post your stuff. Let's see how far this goes.

Have fun, here's mine...



"It was a Mercury Grand Marquis, metallic green, as long as an ocean liner."

Film Critique- "Hai Alarm auf Mallorca"

What's German for, "Warning: Spoilers?"

Never mind.

My "Stay Out of the Water" film critique series comes to its conclusion with this nugget I found by accident via impulse shopping while at Best Buy. It's a shark movie with a killer shark on the cover. So I bought it, expecting crap. Before viewing, I found that it was originally made for German television, so I didn't know what to expect: crap or giddy goodiness. I was pleasantly surprised afterward when I found myself saying aloud to nobody in particular, "Hey, that wasn't bad at all." No, my avid readers. This film is actually pretty frigging sweeeet.

Once again, ripped from the flotsam & jetsam floating around Karmacritic and Operation Orca circa December of 2007, I give you---

Hai Alarm auf Mallorca (2004)
starring: Ralf Moeller, Julia Stinshoff, Gregor Bloeb, Katy Karrenbaur
written by: Jorg Alberts and Roland Heep
directed by: Jorgo Papavassiliou

It always baffled me; the gall that movie producers have sometimes. Specifically, those that produced Shark Movies after Jaws never gave co-writing credit to Peter Benchley or Carl Gottlieb. What baffles me further is how this trend of plagiarism continues to this day.

In the fifteen or so years since Steve Alten penned the magnificent "Meg: A Novel of Deep Terror," Hollywood took it upon themselves to "super-size" the shark genre the same way I do my french fries and gave us the likes of Shark Hunter, Shark Attack III: Megalodon, and the lazily titled, Megalodon. All of which were not so much homages as they were blatant ripoffs of Alten's "Meg," and yet he received no credit, save for the insulting "Special thanks" occasionally.

Oh, Hollywood, how much I loath thee...

Not to be outdone by Hollywood's scum, German Television Executives wanted to take a bite of their own out of the shark genre and clone one that they could call their own; much in the same fashion that the Italians did with George Romero-Zombies and the shark genre itself. (See Tintorera: The Tiger Shark and Le Ultimo Squalo if you don't believe me.)

So, in 2004, German beefcake Ralf Moeller was paired with wunderbar hottie Julia Stinshoff and audiences of Deutche TV regailed over Hai-Alarm auf Mallorca,



or, as American DVD audiences came to know it as of July 10, 2007, Shark Attack in the Mediterranean.



Now, it is entirely possible that I am the only person on an English speaking continent that has seen this film, so I take it as the highest responsibility to write this review.
There are two things that separate this motion picture from the aforementioned others; first, it has the unique distinction of being the only movie in my memory to blatantly ripoff both "Meg" and Jaws in the exact same scene, (more on that later) and second, it can be watched in its entirety without a single wave of nausea overcoming the viewer. That's right; this movie isn't really that bad.

I pulled a tooth the size of a beer stein out of the wrecked hull of a boat out there.

Not as witty as Shark Hunter, yet not as goofy as Shark Attack III and not as visually deficient as Megalodon, Mallorca, when you get passed the wafer-thin characters and sub-par acting (which may be Brando-esque for German TV for all I know), has a slightly plausible plot right in the middle of an absolutely exquisite locale (shot on location on Spanish Mallorca, one of the Balearic Islands). The characters are believable and relatable, albeit uber-beautiful, which can be expected on a Mediterranean Island, but surprisingly none come across as overly-annoying, which is usually a requisite for a film like this.

The special effects are the real star of this movie. Mallorca obviously had a bigger than usual budget for German prime time, because the FX, specifically in the action sequences look like something that would make George Lucas cream his pants and Stan Winston cringe in jealousy. (You may have seen the scenes I'm writing about for they have been on the Net for the past five years. More on that later.)

When are toothpaste commercials gonna wise-up and use stuff like this?

Our hero is Sven Hansen (Moeller), a freelance helicopter pilot en route to whatever airport this tiny island has to pick up Dr. Julia Bennet (Stinshoff), the new Marine Biologist at the Mallorcan Institute for Studying Sharks for the Purposes of Cancer Research, or whatever it's called. The name is not as important as the fact that this computer-generated, backlot-aquarium has at least a dozen or so fully-grown Great White sharks in captivity!?!? (Boy, Monterrey Bay has nothing on this place!) The largest of which has been named Hannibal by Institute Chief, Dr. Verena Brandauer (Katy Karrenbaur), the film's obligatory eeeeviiiil scientist.

Apparently, the titular beastie roaming the waters off Mallorca was cloned by the not-so-good Dr. Brandaur from a Megalodon egg she found in the Antarctic!?!? (yeah, right) And it escaped from the institute when the tank waters flooded over from a storm four years earlier!? (yeah, right, part II).

Spielberg should have hidden his shark so well.

Okay, so the suspension of belief and bogus science may be a bit much for even a Meg to swallow, but don't worry; eeeeeeviiiiil Dr. Brandaur gets her come-uppins by way of the Great Chomping before the film even goes into its endgame. Speaking of the endgame, I promised a comment on the FX and how Mallorca rips off "Meg" and Jaws in the same scene...

First off, the FX during the action sequences are truly superb, and shark movie enthusiasts may have seen them before on the Net. For the last four years, these FX scenes have been floating around Cyberspace under various guises; most notably:

1) The advanced FX work for the upcoming Meg movie, a project that has mistakenly been shitcanned recently by the gerbils in charge over at New Line Cinema.* (I don't care how many Freddy and Jason movies they spew out now, New Line will forever be the biggest turd in the Hollywood toilet for never making the Meg movie).

2) The teaser/trailer for Jaws 5. (By the way, Universal is mulling over a bunch of scripts for a straight to DVD, fifth Jaws installment.)**

3) The teaser/trailer for a Jaws remake to be helmed by James Cameron!?!? (Which by the way, was complete bullsh*t from day 1.)***

So let me set the record straight; said scenes on YouTube and the like came from Mallorca, case closed, elementary, my dear Watson.

Achtung! Vee vill now reeep off Steeef AAAltin! Heil us!

As for the endgame and the duality of plagiarism, this is how our Megalo-beastie buys it...

In a helicopter scene practically written ver-batim from Alten's pages with a Martin Brody plug in from Jaws, Sven pulls off his best "smile you son of a bitch" moment by shooting an explosive-laden jetski that the Meg has been swimming around with in its mouth!?!?

Yes, Sven planted the explosives on the jetski before sharky-shark decided to use it for a toothpick.

No, I won't tell you how, I leave that to your imagination.

Save...me...please. --- Must...do...sequel.

The bottom line? Rent this movie and watch it. It's no Jaws (but what is?) and it's not even Deep Blue Sea. But the beauty is, Mallorca never even tries to be such. It's as if the film knows its place in the genre and accepts it. The end result is, something that can be said with certainty, this is not the worst shark movie out there. Which, when you consider it's peers within the genre, is the highest of compliments. Hai-Alarm auf Mallorca is surprisingly pleasant and painless if you don't expect too much.

Authors Note: Footnotes have been added now, 3 years after original publication.

* New Line Cinema closed its doors for good, after the box office failure of Rush Hour 3, the film that supposedly boosted Meg to the back-burner of production. GOOD RIDDANCE, ASSHOLES! YOU DESERVE IT!

** Needless to say, Jaws 5 never saw fruition because...

*** Universal Studios is still trying to piece together a remake and the rumor was it would feature an all African American cast including Tracy Morgan and Malcolm Jamal Warner !?!?!? Just kill me now, please!

I hope you enjoyed this sharky stroll down memory lane as much as I did. I will be transferring all the older Turzman Critiques to this site, as well as some new material in the near future. Until then, stay well my friends, and of course-

Stay out of the water.

Film Critique- "Sharkwater"

Part deux of my "Stay Out of the Water" film critique series is another old review I found bobbing along the surface at Operation Orca. It's a breath-taking documentary combining the brutal practice of shark finning with some exquisite and beautiful shots of sharks doing what sharks do best; swimming around and looking good doing it. Originally posted at OpOrc and KarmaCritic May 1, 2008...
Sharkwater (2007)
written and directed by Rob Stewart.



The barbaric practices of the shark-finning industry are criticized in this award-winning film that combines hidden-camera footage of the atrocious treatment of sharks with glorious underwater footage of the predators from first time documentarian Rob Stewart.

Biologically speaking, there's nothing new here. The intro offers a rudimentary description of sharks not uncommon with your basic Discovery channel doc, but the focus is on the degredation of shark populations and its effect on aquatic eco-systems. Specifically, shark fishing is targeted here, and Stewart teams up with a Greenpeace-like organization that motors around the world's oceans, making life difficult for fishermen with less than moral scruples.

The term, "in-depth" isn't quite correct here, because only the surface of the fin industry is scratched. Stewart was able to sneak a camera into a Costa Rican shark fin "holding area," and there is ample footage of the act itself out on the water. But how, exactly the fins get from waterfront warehouses to restaurants around the world is still unknown, despite being illegal in 16 countries.

But there is brutality aplenty, as we see the bodies of finless, tail-less sharks being dumped back into the ocean, still alive, to die (probably of) suffocation before they are picked apart by every little nibbler in the sea. Stuff like this, simply put, defines "cruelty."

But this yin certainly has a yang, for Sharkwater isn't just a bloody orgy of shark-f*cking. No, there is some majestic underwater footage of sharks doing what they do best, showing that Stewart has a very keen eye when looking through a viewfinder. Coupled with the fact that it is underwater, free swimming with sharks, even the most established of DP's must appreciate the fruits of this labor.

This is a film that can be appreciated even if you're not a shark freak like me. Anyone who enjoys a good doc will love this film. And it wouldn't hurt a non-shark freak to get a little education about the ocean's top predator. When seals hunt for fish, they are just as predatory and implement similar tactics as sharks, yet they are protected. Herman Melville depicted the sperm whale as a monster, but with a little observation and understanding, it became clear that whales are hardly dangerous (to humans) so they are protected. What Sharkwater suggests is the same thing for sharks. A little bit of observation, education and understanding may lead humans to believe that "just because they're scary" is not reason enough to slaughter sharks to the brink of extinction.


Warming up in the bullpen is the third and final installment of my "Stay Out of the Water" film critique series, Hai Alarm auf Mallorca. in the interim, go get some knowledge for yourself. It doesn't matter what, just teach yourself something new by reading a book or watching something educational. Or read some of my older blogs.

Internet addict Pornocat says, "I'd like to see a review of the film, Catwater, which is about the brutally barbaric and deplorable act of forcing cats to take a bath. Everyone knows that a cat's tongue is better than any scrub brush. My ex-wife can attest to that, but it doesn't explain why she left me."

Film Critique- "Jaws: The Revenge"

I was searching the archives over at Operation Orca and I found a thread of my older critiques. I thought they had all been published here at Turzman Dot Com but nay, there were some stragglers.
I will be sure to get them over here ASAP, but only one at a time. I don't want to logjam my readers to the point of migraine pains. I figured I'd start off with a true classic. A film that was legend in this wacky biz-niz long before it was ever made. A film so bad, it's good and often credited as being the WORST film of all time.
So, originally published at OpOrc and KarmaCritic back in May of 2008, and all due respect to the true worst film of all time, Troll II, I give you...

JAWS: THE REVENGE (1987)
starring: Lorraine Gary, Lance Guest, Mario Van Peebles, Michael Caine
written by: Michael De Guzman
directed by: Joseph Sargent



The rumors are true. Jaws: The Revenge is one of the worst movies ever shown to audiences. But for all the bad that has been said about JTR (and boy-o-boy, has there been a lot of bad!), there is some merit to be found, even in a piece of garbage like this.

Don't get too excited, there's no silver lining in this dark cloud nor is there gold at the end of this rainbow. Hell, this box of Cracker Jacks doesn't even have a nifty little toy waiting for you. But if nothing else, JTR is a very educational film, in a certain context. Here's what one can learn after viewing the fourth (and so far, final) Jaws installment:

Want to know why Lorraine Gary was never a leading lady? Watch Jaws 4.
Want to know why Joseph Sargent has only directed lousy television since the late 80's? Watch Jaws 4.
Want to know why Lance Guest fell off the face of the Earth? Watch Jaws 4.
Want to know how low Michael Caine will stoop for a paycheck? Watch Jaws 4.
Want to know the wrong way to act Jamaican? Watch Mario Van Peebles in Jaws 4.
Want to know exactly how a Great White shark does not behave? Watch Jaws 4.

Oh yeah, I can go on, but I'm here to write a review...

The film's titles are accompanied by a POV shot of the titular beastie swimming the waters off Amity Island and a variation of John Williams' magnificent score from the original Jaws, and we'll come to find that this is the first of many lame-duck and embarrassing attempts to remind the viewer that we are, in fact, watching a Jaws sequel via what the producers want us to believe are homages (more on this later). As the music crescendos, and the tension (ha!) builds, we cut abruptly to... a fish in a frying pan. Um, scary, right? But wait- who's frying the fish?
Why, it's ELLEN BRODY! Being played by- LORRAINE GARY! The same actress who played her in the first two films! YAY, fly the banners and blow the trumpets!

Wait.

Where's the fanfare? Oh yeah, it's only Lorraine Gary, who hadn't worked since 1979's Speilberg sleeper, 1941, and had since been retired and married to Sid Sheinberg, then president of Universal Pictures. (Hmmm, the game is afoot, Watson). Oh well, we're supposed to think it's a big deal, so take it as you see fit.

Mama Brody's talking to her youngest, Sean (played by a different actor again, this time it's Mitchell Anderson. Who? Nevermind.) and Sean is following Dad's footsteps, as he's a deputy in the Amity PD, which means it's him and one other cop, if JTR follows the same formula as Jaws I & II. So dedicated is deputy Sean, that he's going to the office to check in before he joins mom and girlfriend for a little Christmas Eve celebration.
Going to the office? Has the Amity PD discontinued the use of walkie-talkies? Geez, they really do count on summer dollars for survival in this town! So Sean goes to the cop station and the first two things we see really piss me off...

First, there's a picture of (homage alert) Roy Scheider in his Amity PD uniform, a publicity still from the original Jaws hovering over the desk of a secretary named (homage alert) Polly, which was the name of the secretary from the original. Remember the line, "Let Polly do the printing!"? Well to us JawsFreaks, Polly's a legend for her penmanship alone. Is it the same actress? Can't be. Polly was older than dirt in 1975, and if she hadn't retired by 1987, then the Amity PD must implement a slave labor program not unlike the Pharohs of Egypt. Poor, poor Polly. And the picture of Martin Brody? C'mon, I love Scheider as much as any heterosexual male, but anybody with even a selective memory knows what he meant to this franchise, and we don't need reminders. There are even some of us who know that Scheider turned down a god-awful amount of money for a cameo in part 4, just to get chomped instead of Sean (oops, spoiler, sorry).

All praise to Allah that he didn't do it.

Anyway, Sean can't go home yet because there's a piece of driftwood in the channel that will cause all sorts of chaos for the fishermen (?) and he has to move it.

What?

Forget it, it's a plot device to get Sean on the water. And why can't the other cop do it? Because he's busy investigating reports of cow tipping!?!? (Cows? In New England? On an island? I don't think so.) Jesus, Sean. Just get in the boat and let's get this over with...

He gets et up. There's this log, see? It's stuck next to a buoy, and this will bother the fishermen, how, exactly? Oh please. As Sean works this log, a thirty foot Great White sneaks up behind him and bites off his arm, along with a big chunk of boat. Lousy editing, fast cuts, quick glimpses of teeth; real lazy. Sean falls in water, clings to log and buoy. (Homage alert) This scene is oddly similar to Chrissie Watkins' death at the beginning of the original. So let's think about this...

In order to lure Sean into the water, the shark (who somehow found out Sean was a cop, and on-duty tonight(!)) placed the log in the channel, next to the buoy, disrupting fishermen AND going on land to tip some cows to make sure the other cop would be too busy to do it himself! How do we know this? Well, close analysis of the log shows what are clearly teeth marks! So this shark is clever, conniving, and out to get the Brody clan. Remember, this time, it's personal.

So this film is five minutes old and we've already had shameless plugs of the original film and countless plot flaws.

Do you hate this movie yet?

Cut to Sean's funeral, and guess who flew in for the festivities? The older Brody sibling, Michael, played this time by Lance Guest (four years removed from the magnificent, The Last Starfighter! What the hell happened?) Michael is married to an arc welding artist (I swear to God, I can't make this up!) and has a daughter. One of the few bright spots in this film is Thea Brody, played by Judith Barsi, who tragically, was murdered by her father shortly after this film. The kid's not annoying, and the viewer does not form an instant despise for her, unlike little kids in most other movies. Irony can be pretty ironic, I guess.

Anyway, Michael has become a marine biologist, studying giant snails in the Bahamas. Wow, fun stuff. You know, you'd think that after the events in Jaws III, both the Brody kids would have sense enough to stay the hell away from the water. But yet, one's a cop on an island, and the other gets paid to swim in the ocean.

Sweet Jesus, I hate this movie.

And we come to find that Michael, despite working on his doctorate (studying snails, woo-hoo!) is a complete idiot. His grand plan to console his mom, and get her mind off sharks is to invite her down to the Bahamas(!) Yeah, go from one island to another, to forget about sharks. Brilliant, you shithead.

And besides, wouldn't a third-story high-rise in lower Manhattan be sufficient protection from the average shark? Even if it was a real ambitious shark, like the one in this film. Oh well, I shouldn't digress too much, because this movie gets worse. For example, Ellen is convinced it was the shark that killed her husband, too.
"But Mom, Dad died of a heart attack." Michael reminds her.
"No he didn't. He died of FEAR!" She exclaims.

Now hold on, sister. Martin Brody saved this podunk town, not once, but twice from giant, man-eating sharks, so let's try and give him a little credit. Died of fear?

puh-leeeze!

So they fly to the Bahamas. And the shark swims to the Bahamas. And we meet Hoagie (Michael Caine) and it's obvious in his scenes that the other participants were in awe in the presence of a real actor. There's nothing special about the character, except that it's played by Michael Caine, and provides a love interest for the emotionally distraught Ellen. Her son's dead body isn't even cold yet, and she's gonna play patty-fingers with the local flyboy. Eww, gross.

Then we meet Jake, aka- Mario Van Peebles with a ridiculously fake Jamaican accent. Get ready to hate Jake because he's as annoying as fecal matter shoved up your nose. He's also pissed because they lost one whole day's worth of research because Mike had to leave town.

Yeah, for his brother's funeral, you scumbag!

Besides, the average sea-snail (or conch) travels an impressive four inches a day. How much ground-breaking data could possibly have been lost!? And by the way, who's paying for this snail research, anyway? Obviously someone with waaaay too much money. Sea snails? Booooriiiiing!

So Jake and Michael are fiddling with snails, and the shark shows up to spoil their plans. And it's obvious that the shark has more interest in Michael than Jake, adding credence to the whole "this time it's personal" plot point. But brilliant Michael has another great idea how to handle the whole "shark thing," he decides to keep it a secret!?!?

Hold on now. There's this family with a violent history involving killer sharks. His one brother just got et, and the mom is convinced that fear of the shark killed the dad. So when another giant shark shows up and picks on the other brother, he decides to sit on that information? Not even telling the authorities? A decision which, by the way, directly leads to the deaths of people later in the film! Never mind the criminal negligence, but this is the act of a really big jerk! Keeping his family out of the loop? Disgraceful.

Also, Mike has a problem with his mom looking for a little nookie from Hoagie. This further adds to Michael's jerkiness, not even allowing his mother a little crisis counseling. (Even if it is the high-hard one from Michael Caine). But hey, live and let live and stay out of the water.

Okay enough of this. Flash forward to the end game, which is about as dopey as a movie ending can be. Eventually, everyone ends up on a boat, Jake has rigged some electro-thinga-majigger to shock the shark and Ellen's driving the boat. (Homage alert) as the boat and shark approach like jousting knights, Ellen has flashbacks to when Martin killed the first shark. I'll say that again; Ellen has flashbacks, remembering events she did not witness (!) but at this point, who cares, really?

The shark gets shocked, jumps out of the water, roars(!), and gets stabbed by the pointy thing on the front of the boat. Good driving, Ellen! Oh yeah, then the shark explodes(!!).

Roll credits, movie over, mercifully.

And there you have it- the heart-ripping critique of a bad Jaws sequel by a Jaws FINatic. I'll keep the shark theme going, so stay tuned for my reviews of Sharkwater (2007) and the surprisingly good, made for German TV movie, Hai Alarm auf Mallorca (2004), or as American DVD audiences came to know it as in 2007, Shark Attack in the Mediterranean.

Stay out of the water.