XXX Film Critique- "Strictly Conversation"

This installment of the Pornographic Midnight Snack deals with a film that caught my eye with its very clever marketing ploy; it's title. Strictly Conversation in name is a far cry from what I'm used to seeing on the shelves (for example, Nut in my Butt, Part 4 comes to mind). Couple that with the absolutely adorable Meggan Mallone on the DVD cover, and I had no choice but to give this flick a shot. And I'm glad I did.

From Vivid studios, I am proud to give you...

Strictly Conversation (2008)
starring: Meggan Mallone, Lorena Sanchez, Ramon Nomar, Chris Johnson
written by: pffft- yeah right!
directed by: Paul Thomas



Strictly Conversation is exactly the type of PRON I had in mind when I hatched this brilliant idea of XXX critiquing at Turzman Central. It’s a mix of hot sex with a simple plot that tells a nice, easy story connecting the sex to the literature.

Meggan Mallone wants to learn how to speak Spanish because someday, she’s gonna visit Spain. Or Mexico, whichever.

That’s it.

"Tee-hee, you teacha me que habla espanglish?"

And that’s all it needs. This plot point, microscopic by mainstream standards, is spread out thinly yet evenly across the film’s run time and works fine as Strictly Conversation’s main plot.

"Oh HELL no! Oh no you dinnah hit on MY man!"

Mallone is getting a lesson from an unaccredited friend over lunch in a Mexican restaurant. She flirts with the waiter (Ramon Nomar) which pisses off his girlfriend (Lorena Sanchez). They have sex in the kitchen while they argue in Spanish (sans subtitles, so bilingualism on your part will be a plus if you ever watch this flick).
After pop, they’re still arguing and just when we, the viewers, are ready to move on, the film does exactly that…

…and shows us an example of Meggan’s home life. She’s working hard to be the perfect girlfriend to Chris Johnson who, despite her cooking, cleaning, planning of activities and sexual advances, just sits on his ass watching TV and drinking beer. What a moron.
When Chris finally breaks down and has sex with her (reluctantly, fer Chrissakes!) they only get halfway done because Meggan has to go pee. Instead of waiting patiently and having more sex, Chris gets dressed and leaves the room, leaving her alone in heat wondering what she did wrong.

Have I mentioned that Chris is a moron?

Will somebody please check this man for a pulse ?!?!

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Ramon and Lorena are still arguing. When Meggan shows up for another Spanish lesson her teacher is a no-show. Ramon gladly agrees to teach her, pissing off Lorena even more.

The next day, Meggan meets Ramon and tows him to a house where they can peep through the window at a threesome getting ready for a little GBG action (Carmen McCarthy, Holly West, Voodoo). Naturally they get horny and head back to the restaurant for some afternoon delight.

"I don't know, Meggan. This is even illegal in Mexico!"

Ramon actually does teach Meggan some words, and it’s kind of hot, but halfway through, Lorena walks in to see her boyfriend cheating and exercises her rite of Coitus Interruptus. In the real world, this is the part where Lorena gets seriously pissed and starts yelling and throwing things. But this is the PRONiverse, so naturally Lorena instead goes down on a scared-cowering Meggan, sending the distinct message, “Hey girl, it’s all good.” A hot lesbian scene ensues. Ramon joins in, they finish off and all is forgiven.

Here we have a textbook example of "Coitus Interruptus."

All Meggan needs now to end this perfect day would be for Chris to not be such a jerk, right? Well guess what…
She comes home to find Chris dressed only in a sombrero and poncho, holding a pair of tickets to Acapulco. Meggan gets laid, learns Spanish and gets a trip to Mexico! Oh happy day.

Yay, makeup sex! Pop, roll credits.

Hop-Along Douchebag

Mallone has a really cute “girl-next-door” kind of thing going on and her sex is very arousing. She delivers her lines adequate enough and I think she has what it takes to be a PRON leading lady.
To hear Lorena and Ramon bicker in Spanish during sex is pretty hot, too. Overall, I was pleased with and recommend this film for couples and those tired of the constant in your face POV pounding.

Amity Island Harbor Master Frank Silva says, "If ye ever send me a skin flick without warning again I'll use ye fer CHUM. Me wifey opened this thinking ye sent vacation videos. Luckily I keep smellin' salts in the cabin because mother faints often."

The Mick Blue Proviso

Here's a little tidbit I discovered while doing "research" for upcoming XXX Turzman Critiques that I wanted to share because as I've said all along...
I want to educate as well as entertain.

The Mick Blue Proviso (n): A porno industry union stipulation that requires a producer to increase the rate of pay by 75% to an actress expected to perform in a sex scene with Mick Blue:



It also stipulates that the producer must provide trained, professional crisis counseling to said actress afterward, if necessary.

That is one very, creepy-looking individual.

Of course, I kid Mr. Blue. I have the highest respect (and a certain degree of jealousy) for men who do what he does for a living. I only post this nugget as a precursor for this week's Pornographic Midnight Snack at Turzman Central.
I have in fact watched two titles from Digital Playground with the hopes that they would meet the requirements I set for myself when picking titles for this forum. To my dismay, neither Babysitters nor Nurses quite fit the bill, storywise. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, except that I expected some PRON to have a plot. But I did not give up...

Over the course of this past weekend, I came across two discs that were acceptable. Next time Turzman Dot Com gets a new post, I will opine on Vivid's Strictly Conversation, starring Meggan Malone. After that, I'll pen a critique for No Love Lost, Digital Playground's first starring vehicle for Raven Alexis.

As to the mainstream stuff, I just finished collecting screencaps for Them! (1954) and The Valley of Gwangi (1969), two films that helped define me when I was a kid.

Your patience for me has been much appreciated. I know I should have posted something new before now, but I was feeling silly about the whole thing after receiving not a one comment for the PMS's first installment. Now I realize, I don't care about comments, which is probably why I decided to critique PRON in the first place.

Stay well and Stay Out of the Water.

Flim Critique- "The Mummy's Kiss: Second Dynasty"

Another blast from the past as I regurgitate a critique based on a film I saw after paneling a radio show where we were briefly sidetracked to softcore pron.
I'm not sure if that little blurb was as informative as intended, but who cares, really.
Also, please forgive the lack of screencaps. I went to all my sources and there were none to be found! My apologies.
So, I present to you, my intrepid readers, from KarmaCritic circa May 2008---

The Mummy's Kiss: Second Dynasty (2006)
starring: Kylie Wyote, Christine Nguyen, Stacy Burke
written and directed by Donald F. Glut



Not too long ago, one of our Karma-discussions quickly glazed over porn and its storyline deficiencies. It was a topic as quickly forgotten as it was talked about, and we moved on. Then, it was as if fate had intervened, for I stumbled across Mummy's Kiss: 2nd Dynasty. As I sat in bed, lube in hand, a revelation occurred; this erotic lez-fest had a pretty tight story going for it. So strong was the story, that I almost lost my wood as I was riveted by the plot (!). I said almost...

Donald F. Glut's follow-up to his mildly successful (by erotica standards) Mummy's Kiss (2003) offers top-billing to Kylie Wyote (aka Belinda Gavin, a personal fave) over Playboy playmate Christine Nguyen. The rest of the cast is a mish-mash of erotica's standard supporting players; Stacy Burke, Andrea Smith, Cindy Pucci, Alisa Robinson, Lorielle New and the Starr twins, Taylor and Tyler.

Our villain is eeeeeviiiiiil museum curator, Dr. Zita Furneaux (Wyote) who's getting ready to unveil the museum's latest exhibit, a mummy (hence the film's title). Nguyen plays investigative tabloid reporter Elyse Lam, on assignment to cover the museum's newest resident, but suspects something is fishy. It turns out her nose for news is on target, as eeeeeviiiiil Dr. Furneaux has discovered the secret to eternal youth, with some help from long dead Egyptian goddess, Neffer-Titty (Burke). I'm sure I'm mis-spelling that, as the name is almost unpronounceable, even by those with script in hand, not to mention difficult to spell. So for our purposes, let's call her Neffer-Titty.

Neffer-Titty confides in Dr. Furneaux that if she obtain people's "tam," (or life-spirit, I guess) she will reverse the aging process, which is just what the doctor ordered for eeeeviiiil Dr. Furneaux, as she finds herself smack-dab in the middle of a mid-life crisis. Neffer-Titty grants her the power to control the now revived mummy by way of a sacred amulet (you just knew there would be an amulet eventually in this flick). So the mummy goes out to kidnap young ladies, bring them to the museum, where Furneaux takes their tam through lesbian sex. (yay!) But eeeeviiiil Dr. Furneaux gets power-drunk and a bit too big for her own britches as she starts to see herself as a goddess. This doesn't sit well with Neffer-Titty, as she is a goddess who doesn't like to share the spotlight.

Meanwhile, Lam's investigation of the missing girls leads her to the museum, where she's caught by the mummy and engages in a four-way lesbian orgy with Furneaux's freshly-squeezed, tam-free handmaidens as the good doctor looks on. Pretty riveting stuff, no? Well hold on a sec...

After all, this is softcore porn and the script isn't exactly perfect, maybe not as strong as I'm building it up to be. Where Glut's script is strong in story and to a degree, even conveyance, his dialogue is surprisingly shoddy. Not surprising for a skinflick, but considering how good the story is, it seems odd that Glut would suddenly turn lazy when it came to speeches. I mean, Nguyen's Lam says and does things we all know an investigative reporter wouldn't say or do, and a lot of it doesn't really help the story as plot points. In fact, Nguyen's character really does nothing to resolve the conflict. She's just there as a topless Playboy playmate, and even though she does light a small fire under Furneaux's ass (to add a little tension, I suppose) eeeviiil Dr. Furneaux gets her come-uppins by way of a vengeful Neffer-Titty and the mummy as a recently tam-relieved Nguyen lies comatose on an altar.

Oh well, so it's not all roses. But now, some more good stuff.

The special effects are way cool. The mummy makeup is effectively creepy in night shots, and in light, it's not goofy at all. Very nice. And, Furneaux's transformations from old to young as she acquires more tam is very well done. In a nutshell, there's nothing cheesy at all about the fx, so visually speaking, this film is much better than the average softcore erotica.

As for performances, Wyote is a bit over-the-top for my taste, even as a villianess. And as I said before, Nguyen is just sort of there as eye-candy, but she delivers her weak dialogue about as well as can be expected with bad material. Neffer-Titty and the handmaidens are portrayed no different than you would expect in a film like this; topless and monotone, but not bad enough to ruin the film as a whole.

So I guess I recommend this film. Even if softcore isn't your cup of tea, rent this film, grab your significant other (or a bottle of lube) and have a little fun.

Internet addict Pornocat says, "She engages in a four-way lesbian orgy and you don't have screencaps?!? Mother-MEOWer!"








Guardian of the Universe Gamera says, "So are you going to just phone in your reviews from now on, Turz?"

XXX Film Critique- "Haunted"

For this first installment of your brand new, Pornographic Midnight Snack, I critique a film featuring a personal fave from the annals (tee hee) of PRON, Briana Banks. Why is she a personal fave? One need only watch her lone scene in today's morsel to understand why, for it is the only scene worth watching in this otherwise lackluster Jerome Tanner film from Legend.

Haunted (2001)
starring: Briana Banks, Claudia Adkins, Meriesa Arroyo, Evan Stone, Toni James, Bobby Vitale & Friday.
written by: are you kidding me???
directed by: Jerome Tanner



Amateur ghost hunter Briana Banks (before ghost hunting was trending on SciFi channel and the like) is convinced a certain house is haunted. She gathers three of her friends (Friday, Mariesa Arroyo, Dillon Day) to prove it to them.

Meet your team, folks. No hi-tech equipment, no green van, no talking dog. Just this.

We the viewers already know said house is haunted, thanks to an otherwise completely unrelated sex scene during the opening titles. Hunky apparition Mark Wood materializes for a romp with pre-bath Claudia Adkins. After pop, the only remaining ghostly evidence is a love letter written on the mirror in lipstick.

"Oh no! Did we forget to bring wine and ouija?"

But rather than set up infrared cameras and super-sensitive sound recording equipment, they sit around and drink while Briana delivers the minimum descriptive exposition required for a film to be considered "story based." There's no back story about the spooks residing there nor is there anything particularly special about the house. Indeed, glaringly absent is the "why is the house haunted" scenario, and how does Briana know for sure in the first place? Her message, in even simpler terms than delivered in the film, is "this house is haunted and if we hang out long enough we'll see ghosts." That's it.

"Nope. Wine and ouija, check!" *whew!*

Our brave gang soon come to realize that it's not chanting, burning candles or ouija boards that attract ghosts, but rather hot sex that does. Friday passes out drunk and is left alone to sleep it off. Mysteriously, her nighty slowly slips off, by itself! (booga-booga! effective PRONfx, lol). And then she has sex with a ghost (Evan Stone).

Let's just call this foreshadowing.

After pop, Friday runs downstairs to tell everyone what happened (still naked, of course). Hysterical, Friday runs out of the room. Intrigued, Briana and Day follow her. (They wanted to get a jump on analyzing the ectoplasm, I'm sure). Horny, Arroyo stays behind and starts playing with herself. Which, of course attracts another ghost (Lee Stone) and they have sex.
Day being the odd man out (both literally and figuratively) is concerned that he's the only one not getting laid by ghosts in this place and goes outside to ponder this with a cigarette. Enter the ghost played by Toni James and the stage is set for their sex scene.

The hostess with the mostest ghostests.

We finally get to Briana's lone sex scene in the film and believe me, it's worth the wait. Encircled by the lit candles, she performs one of the hottest solo acts in my memory, and when her otherworldly partner (Bobby Vitale) shows up, the scene loses no intensity. It is by far, the best part of the film and explains why, in part, Ms. Banks was one of the more popular porn stars when she was in her prime.
The other four scenes are not only more tame than the finale, but they are so much more uninspired. Director Jerome Tanner's lack of imagination is so blatant because each scene is formulaic and can be carbon copies of all the others. They follow the same pattern; solo act, bj, vaginal, anal, vaginal from behind and then pop. Banks' scene does this as well, but she delivers a more intense performance without going over the top. This shows that, when left to her own devices, Briana Banks deserved to be amongst the elite of the A-Listers of her day.

"Hell yes! We should do this again next week AND invite more friends!"

What would I have done differently? For starters I would have added more variety to the sexy stuff. But more importantly, I would have done something to make the purported haunted house look at least a little haunted. Again, Tanner's lack of imagination is on display as our setting looks exactly like what it is; any one of a hundred Hollywood area homes owned by whichever porn producer is on vacation that week, renting it out to another porn producer shooting a porn film in it. With only the slightest effort (a cobweb here, a black cat there accompanied by a spooky soundtrack) we the viewers could at least infer the house is haunted, thus making the dialogue unnecessary and freeing up some minutes for a shorter run time or an extra sex scene.
That's what I would have done.

If real-life ghost hunters looked like this, they'd get better results.

Coming up on the PRON front, Digital Playground's Babysitters with Jesse Jane.
Still to be rescued from Operation Orca are critiques for Dark Star and Mummy's Kiss: 2nd Dynasty.
And down the line, brand new Turzman Critiques for Abominable (2006) and The Valley of Gwangi (1969).

Internet addict Pornocat says, "Where are all the NSFW screencaps?"