Go Offend Yourself...

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Peece.

Oh, my!

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain ... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."

Amity Island Harbor Master Frank Silva says, "Ah, the true measure of a man. Would ye be ridin' the baloney pony to save the life of yer wifey? Not so quick to answer, is ye?"

Church Humor

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers..'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen..'


Internet addict Pornocat says, "I don't get it...?"

MALE SENSITIVITY

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes," answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
While we walk?"


Internet addict Pornocat says, "I don't think this post is funny at all. Golfing is an elitist pastime and I do not approve. No, sir. And until you start writing about porn and posting pictures of sexy women, I shall stop reading your blog. Meow!"