Wednesday, July 21, 2010

XXX Film Critique- "Strictly Conversation"

This installment of the Pornographic Midnight Snack deals with a film that caught my eye with its very clever marketing ploy; it's title. Strictly Conversation in name is a far cry from what I'm used to seeing on the shelves (for example, Nut in my Butt, Part 4 comes to mind). Couple that with the absolutely adorable Meggan Mallone on the DVD cover, and I had no choice but to give this flick a shot. And I'm glad I did.

From Vivid studios, I am proud to give you...

Strictly Conversation (2008)
starring: Meggan Mallone, Lorena Sanchez, Ramon Nomar, Chris Johnson
written by: pffft- yeah right!
directed by: Paul Thomas

Strictly Conversation is exactly the type of PRON I had in mind when I hatched this brilliant idea of XXX critiquing at Turzman Central. It’s a mix of hot sex with a simple plot that tells a nice, easy story connecting the sex to the literature.

Meggan Mallone wants to learn how to speak Spanish because someday, she’s gonna visit Spain. Or Mexico, whichever.

That’s it.

"Tee-hee, you teacha me que habla espanglish?"

And that’s all it needs. This plot point, microscopic by mainstream standards, is spread out thinly yet evenly across the film’s run time and works fine as Strictly Conversation’s main plot.

"Oh HELL no! Oh no you dinnah hit on MY man!"

Mallone is getting a lesson from an unaccredited friend over lunch in a Mexican restaurant. She flirts with the waiter (Ramon Nomar) which pisses off his girlfriend (Lorena Sanchez). They have sex in the kitchen while they argue in Spanish (sans subtitles, so bilingualism on your part will be a plus if you ever watch this flick).
After pop, they’re still arguing and just when we, the viewers, are ready to move on, the film does exactly that…

…and shows us an example of Meggan’s home life. She’s working hard to be the perfect girlfriend to Chris Johnson who, despite her cooking, cleaning, planning of activities and sexual advances, just sits on his ass watching TV and drinking beer. What a moron.
When Chris finally breaks down and has sex with her (reluctantly, fer Chrissakes!) they only get halfway done because Meggan has to go pee. Instead of waiting patiently and having more sex, Chris gets dressed and leaves the room, leaving her alone in heat wondering what she did wrong.

Have I mentioned that Chris is a moron?

Will somebody please check this man for a pulse ?!?!

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Ramon and Lorena are still arguing. When Meggan shows up for another Spanish lesson her teacher is a no-show. Ramon gladly agrees to teach her, pissing off Lorena even more.

The next day, Meggan meets Ramon and tows him to a house where they can peep through the window at a threesome getting ready for a little GBG action (Carmen McCarthy, Holly West, Voodoo). Naturally they get horny and head back to the restaurant for some afternoon delight.

"I don't know, Meggan. This is even illegal in Mexico!"

Ramon actually does teach Meggan some words, and it’s kind of hot, but halfway through, Lorena walks in to see her boyfriend cheating and exercises her rite of Coitus Interruptus. In the real world, this is the part where Lorena gets seriously pissed and starts yelling and throwing things. But this is the PRONiverse, so naturally Lorena instead goes down on a scared-cowering Meggan, sending the distinct message, “Hey girl, it’s all good.” A hot lesbian scene ensues. Ramon joins in, they finish off and all is forgiven.

Here we have a textbook example of "Coitus Interruptus."

All Meggan needs now to end this perfect day would be for Chris to not be such a jerk, right? Well guess what…
She comes home to find Chris dressed only in a sombrero and poncho, holding a pair of tickets to Acapulco. Meggan gets laid, learns Spanish and gets a trip to Mexico! Oh happy day.

Yay, makeup sex! Pop, roll credits.

Hop-Along Douchebag

Mallone has a really cute “girl-next-door” kind of thing going on and her sex is very arousing. She delivers her lines adequate enough and I think she has what it takes to be a PRON leading lady.
To hear Lorena and Ramon bicker in Spanish during sex is pretty hot, too. Overall, I was pleased with and recommend this film for couples and those tired of the constant in your face POV pounding.

Amity Island Harbor Master Frank Silva says, "If ye ever send me a skin flick without warning again I'll use ye fer CHUM. Me wifey opened this thinking ye sent vacation videos. Luckily I keep smellin' salts in the cabin because mother faints often."

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Mick Blue Proviso

Here's a little tidbit I discovered while doing "research" for upcoming XXX Turzman Critiques that I wanted to share because as I've said all along...
I want to educate as well as entertain.

The Mick Blue Proviso (n): A porno industry union stipulation that requires a producer to increase the rate of pay by 75% to an actress expected to perform in a sex scene with Mick Blue:

It also stipulates that the producer must provide trained, professional crisis counseling to said actress afterward, if necessary.

That is one very, creepy-looking individual.

Of course, I kid Mr. Blue. I have the highest respect (and a certain degree of jealousy) for men who do what he does for a living. I only post this nugget as a precursor for this week's Pornographic Midnight Snack at Turzman Central.
I have in fact watched two titles from Digital Playground with the hopes that they would meet the requirements I set for myself when picking titles for this forum. To my dismay, neither Babysitters nor Nurses quite fit the bill, storywise. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, except that I expected some PRON to have a plot. But I did not give up...

Over the course of this past weekend, I came across two discs that were acceptable. Next time Turzman Dot Com gets a new post, I will opine on Vivid's Strictly Conversation, starring Meggan Malone. After that, I'll pen a critique for No Love Lost, Digital Playground's first starring vehicle for Raven Alexis.

As to the mainstream stuff, I just finished collecting screencaps for Them! (1954) and The Valley of Gwangi (1969), two films that helped define me when I was a kid.

Your patience for me has been much appreciated. I know I should have posted something new before now, but I was feeling silly about the whole thing after receiving not a one comment for the PMS's first installment. Now I realize, I don't care about comments, which is probably why I decided to critique PRON in the first place.

Stay well and Stay Out of the Water.