Monday, August 14, 2006

Tim Burton Really Grinds My Gears

Actually, I'm more pissed off at the legion of morons who think Burton is more than just a hack polluting the pantheon of so-called "visionary" filmmakers. Anyone who considers Burton to be "visionary" knows absolutely nothing about the German filmmakers from a century ago, who, Burton doesn't as much pay homage to as much as blatantly rip off, with every spooky tree or pointed building seen in his films.

I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for the first time last night, as it was the HBO weekly premiere, and upon viewing Burton's latest bastardization of a classic tale, it only further solidified my statements in the opening paragraph of this rant. Has there ever been a filmmaker that has proven, beyond reasonable doubt, that they are incapable of re-telling an old story as Tim Burton has?

Batman (and its first sequel), Sleepy Hollow, Planet of the Apes and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are all the proof Hollywierd needs to implement a union stipulation forbidding Tim Burton to remake classics.

It's the same song and dance for Burton with each remake; his insulting and agonizing need to twist endings or place a Burtonesque spin on an already great concept blaringly distracts the viewer from the message of the story, if not the story itself, and is a constant reminder of how inferior his new ideas are to his inspirations. Burton constantly shows he has an uncanny gift for taking magic from these classic tales, dilluting it with his nonsensical "new twists" and hence, boiling it down until all that remains is a borderline parody; a gray blob of gelatinous goop whose only remaining similarity with its namesake is, well, its name.

I liken Burton's filmmaking skills to Michael Jackson's long line of surgical procedures:
You fix something, fix it again, and again, and again, fix fix fix fix fix until the original thing (which was never broken to begin with) is finally decimated beyond all repair.

Now I expect some responses to this blog from people who disagree, and it's only natural. With the millions of people out there who actually like this jerk, the odds are favorable that some of them may actually read this blog in its entirety. And they may feel free to defend Burton all they want, and I will give the responses their due attention.

However, I will save my self some time by responding to all that disagree by saying this now, rather than later:
If you actually think that any of Burton's remakes are even on par with the originals, than just kill yourself now. Wrap your lips around the business end of a pistol and end it all right now, because if you think Planet of the Apes with Mark Wahlberg is superior to Charlton Heston's, or if you think Johnny Depp's over-the-top yet wooden portrayal of Willy Wonka is superior to Gene Wilder's, than you have officially surrendered and called it quits.
Suicide is the only logical next step.