Thursday, April 02, 2009

Coming Attractions...

Loyal readers drooling for another film critique need only wait a couple or three days. Coming soon to Turzman Dot Com, my reviews of Prophecy (1979) and 2008's Midnight Meat Train.
My notes are in shorthand and need only to be transposed to Microsoft Word.

Warming up in the bullpen is a stack of rentals from Netflix I haven't gotten around to watching yet, because I'm catching up on the early years of Law & Order and an old favorite, The Odd Couple. Down the road are The Petrified Forest (1936, supposedly Bogey's breakthrough performance), Let the Right One In because of a glowing endorsement from Captain Youngblood, aka Brendan Morrisey over at Karma Critic. and for all you 007 freaks, there will be Quantum of Solace, the Bond franchise's first direct sequel and a film I refuse to believe to be the worst 007, as long as any featuring Timothy Dalton and *gasp* Pierce Brosnan still exist.

In the interim I suggest you watch this performance of "Open" from Queensryche:

End transmission.

Monday, March 30, 2009

"I need to forget her face, I see it still."

I always love it when women complain about men. I've heard the same story told by dozens of different girls. "men are pigs," etc.
Well let the record show that women aren't exactly the most humanitarian of all the species. I've seen girls turn off their emotions like a light switch. It's amazing, actually; it's a sign that women are truly emotionally superior to men because they control theirs so much better.
Women think men are unreliable scum. Men think women are insane with irrepairable mental damage. They're both right. Allow me to simplify: we all suck, and when our end finally comes, it will be the most merciful of all acts our creator can do for us. Or to us, whatever.

Marlon Brando said it best in Guys and Dolls- "Women are only good when you need them, like a cough drop."
Feel free to quote any random feminist with a deplorable opinion of men. It's probably accurate.

I Don't Believe in Love. I never have, I never will.

HBO is playing The Last Starfighter. I'm obligated to watch, so go away and hold all my calls.

Jedi Master Yoda says, "When eight hundred years old you become, understand women you will. Possibly."

Internet addict Pornocat says, "Aw, it sounds like Turz got stood up again."

Chicken-infatuated muppet Gonzo the Great says, "Have you ever considered humping chickens?"