Thursday, August 12, 2010

XXX Film Critique- "Babysitters"

This film comes dangerously close to not qualifying for a Turzman critique. The “plot,” albeit simplistic by even PRON standards, is so contrived to set up the sex that Babysitters is more compilation than story driven. However, since I already took the time to collect screencaps and watch the thing, away we go. From Digital Playground...

Babysitters (2007)
starring: Jesse Jane, Teagan Presley, Shay Jordan, Sophia Santi, Sasha Grey, Alektra Blue, Nikki Benz, Nautica Thorn, Gina Lynn, Angie Savage, Lexxi Tyler, Tommy Gunn, Charles Dera, Jay Lassiter
written by: I dunno, a headless monkey?
directed by: Robby D.

Five couples have plans to go out and hire babysitters to watch the kids. In what is possibly the most amazing (and forced) coincidence in all cinema history, all their plans fall through. Suddenly with oodles of free time, all the babysitters have sex with everybody. Except the children. That would be illegal.

"Um, I don't know what you think babysitting is, but I don't watch kids. I assist husbands in committing adultery!"

Aside from said coincidence, there is absolutely no lineation connecting the sex. And the sex scenes, with one exception (more on that later), aren't all that noteworthy.
We open with Tommy Gunn greeting Jesse Jane at the door, and suddenly cut to Tony De Sergio greeting Nautica Thorn at the door. Thorn is there to babysit De Sergio’s kid, so naturally they have sex. Ironic, considering his wife hired the babysitter because he’s too inept to care for his own child (who is somewhere in the house while daddy is getting his nookie, by the way).

"What, what whaaaaa?!?!?!"

Up next is Sasha Grey, but before she can get to her babysitting gig, she gets dumped by her boyfriend (!). Because she won’t have sex with him (!!). (Can’t get laid by Sasha Grey in a PRON flick?! Sucks to be you, dude.) What follows is kind of confusing…

This is a precursor to the most disturbing use of saliva, ever!

Sasha’s gig has been cancelled and the reasoning is a testament to how much of a jerk Charles Dera’s character is. Apparently, he sent his wife off to a Tupperware party so he could have a bachelor party for his friends (Jay Lassiter, Jerry and Sascha). But instead of calling a hooker or a stripper, he called a babysitter (?) To top off the nonsense, Grey is more than willing to be the star attraction of their gang-blowjob because she needs the money! So let’s think about this; she won’t have sex with her boyfriend, but she’ll have sex with complete strangers for money. Oh yeah- just the kind of girl I fantasize about. And by the way, the scene is quite probably the sloppiest, most disgusting, saliva-drenched episode I’ve ever witnessed. I swear, by the end, there’s enough spit on Grey’s face to saturate the Sahara and grow grass. I didn’t think it possible for me to lose my wood while watching a sex scene featuring Sasha Grey, but Babysitters manages to pull off that miracle.

The Surgeon General has determined that sex with Teagan Presley will cure a broken leg.

Mercifully, we cut to the Tupperware party, and I say mercifully because it leads to the best part of the film; Sophia Santi takes charge of a full-out lesbian orgy featuring Alektra Blue, Angie Savage, Lexxi Tyler, and Sammie Rhodes. As hot as the scene is, it cannot save this film because during the final four scenes, I found myself wondering when the hell this snooze-fest was going to end.

"Hmmm, guys with beer at a bachelor party. I see why you called a babysitting service."

Teagan Presley is paired with Tyler Wood, and then Shay Jordan humps Scott Nails. After pop, Nails leaves so Jordan can hump Gina Lynn and Ben English. This leads to our finale where Tommy Gunn and Nikki Benz double team Jesse Jane. Typical PRON fare, nothing special worth mentioning.

The premise of Babysitters is so absurd and the sex is so hum-drum that I cannot give this film a Turzman recommendation. Aside from high production quality (which we’ve come to expect from Digital Playground) and the one hot lesbian orgy, this film is not worth your time.

Internet addict Pornocat says, "With a title like Babysitters, they could have at least had a picture of a child somewhere to give the film credibility."