The thing about hitting rock bottom is nothing else can bring you down lower. People tell me to be more positive and I'm finaly giving in. The only nice thing I can think of is, it can't possibly get any worse. I've told myself that before many times, only to be proven wrong. But if baseless optimism makes others around me feel better, I will try to kid myself some more. My big future plans have crumbled apart (again) so I'm stuck in this miserable armpit of a city. I am swamped at a dead end job with no money, oodles of debt and a disdain for people in general. I'm on the wrong side of 35 years old, have no prospects and a certain lady stopped talking to me. I'm supposed to find some positive in that. So others around me can feel better. Okay, the positive things going on...
I went to the movies the other night. Saw The 4th Kind. It didn't suck. Think Blair Witch except creepier. Sonny got a new best friend this week, a cat named Attila-
They ignore each other, which suits me fine. Oh yeah, almost forgot- I get all the Mexican food I can eat at a 50% discount.
My lack of blogging suggests I am not the wordsmith I wish I was. They say, "a good writer is always writing" and my last post was over two months ago. Unless 2 plus 2 suddenly equals five, I don't like the message I send myself when I think about it. Sadly, I still don't want to write. But dammit, I promised a critique of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and by golly, here it is...
Shark vs. Ock is exactly what you would expect from the douchebags in charge of The Asylum; a piece of crap with its best moments on display in the teaser/trailer. So don't waste your time with it.
I can offer some advice to its two stars. Lorenzo Lamas should keep doing exactly what he's doing because this is probably as good as it gets. Debbie Gibson should do porn. She leans toward pretty, and in porn her acting skills would almost be on par with her peers.
Now you may have noticed that this review is lacking a certain "something" compared to my critiques of the past. Yeah, it's called passion. I aint got it no more. But I assure you, Shark vs. Ock had illicited all the due attention it deserved. But in my defense, I did go above and beyond the call, as I have prepared for you, my intrepid readers, photo illustrations! Not screencaps. I have managed to encapsulate Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus using only my camera, an obscure GI JOE character, my MEG tooth and two unsuspecting Beanie Babies.
This is as good as the film's fx. The same cgi sequences repeated 3 and 4 times, which is sad considering during the film's 90-somewhad minute run time, the titular beasties are featured for only about eleven of those minutes. Pathetic.
This is a representation of Debbie Gibson's performance pinnacle in the film. It's the scene where she says something along the lines of, "Hey! Look at the size of this tooth fragment I found in a dead beached whale! I rule."
I got an itch that only Netflix can scratch, and I'm finding out Netflix has no nails. I know I promised a critique for Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus a while back and I've done everything in my power to get the film, short of paying upwards of $20 for a film that will probably suck. But I did bump the film to the top of my queue days before its release. Before I continue, I want to clarify that this isn't necessarily a bitch session about Netflix per se. I have never had a problem with them and have been very happy with their service. But they're toying with me now, and I'm frigging pissed. I'm well aware that Shark vs. Ock is (God knows why) a very anticipated film. It's been the buzz of the Internet for the last month because of it's gloriously cheesy yet entertaining trailer...
So naturally, I wasn't annoyed to see the "very long wait" notification upon its release. But it's been over two weeks, and no title has ever made me wait this long. What's worse is, about three days after its release, the status changed to "available now." It just so happened I had two rentals returned that very day. Imagine my surprise when I received not Shark vs. Ock, but rather a compilation from season 3 of Law & Order and the final disk from season 2 of The Odd Couple. And yet, when I checked Netflix, Shark vs. Ock was still listed as available. The next day, it was changed back to "very long wait" and has not changed since.
What the hell, Netflix? What the frigging HELL?!?!?!?! Your list is writing checks that your service can't cash. Now I'm not ready to pull the plug on Netflix just yet. It's been a convenient and (up until now) reliable service, but Netflix right now is definitely at the top of my Shit List Queue (HA!) and the only way they're getting off is when I see my frigging Mega Shark lock horns with a Giant Octopus.
Un oso y un conejo fueron hacer del bano en el bosque. El oso dice al conejo, "Perdoname pero tienes tu problema con caca atorada en tus pelos?" El conejo dice, "No. No tengo problemas."
El oso hagarra el conejo y limpia su culo con el.
Translation available upon request.
In the meantime, go burn your face. Talking Heads used to kick ass. What happened?
