Saturday, April 02, 2011

Tales from the PRON Shop: The Final Chapter

Or, Why I Don't Go to Church on Sundays, Reason # 537,930,993,220,402,189,349,105,286,345,833,445,223,109,099,040,389,289,420.

Me, in my Paradise within Paradise.

Don't think I'm exaggerating with that number. If I took the time to list all my personal reasons for not going to church, and worshiping a deity that, let's face it, no organized religion (see: CULT) has gotten right, I would probably come up with a comparable number, if not higher.
Indeed, only this morning, God and the state of Hawaii united against me and gave me two more reasons. But those are for another blog at another time. And you can bet your ASS there will be another blog at another time.

But first, the last days of my beloved Wahiawa PRON store.

But before that, a precursor...

Many years ago, I made an arrangement with God. No, not a deal with the Devil (although I'm starting to think the Devil would have been more trustworthy), an arrangement with the Big Boss himself. "Stay out of my life and I'll stay out of yours." It was that simple. I never fell for the fairy tale bullsh*t every pastor, reverend, rabbi and shaman on the planet preached. It amazed me how all these different religions preached exactly the same thing and yet purported to be better than all the rest. What amazed me even further was the staggering number of idiots that did fall for it and how few correctly agreed with me. Apply some basic logic, reason and common sense and suddenly, the stories in the Bible are no different than the canons of Mother Goose and the Brothers Grimm. But I held my tongue.
Yes, out of respect for the throngs of morons I insufferably deal with daily (whom, ironically I have NO respect for) I made my peace with their ignorance and kept my mouth shut. I told God I would not try to show these mouth-breathers how stupid they were, and let them live their blissfully ignorant lives with the stipulation that He Himself would not interfere with my personal goals and happiness. I think the arrangement was more than fair.

The Gas face on 3rd shift, dealing with the Wahiawa night owls.

Well, only one of us kept their side of the bargain. Wanna guess who was the underhanded, sniveling shyster that broke the deal? Here's a hint; it was the all loving, all forgiving, almighty Yahweh that reneged, not the imperfect, originally sinful, impossibly flawed mortal.
God, being jealous and spiteful, made it a point to go out of His way to ensure I was miserable. For decades, He was there at every crossroads, to make sure I took the wrong path, no matter which way I went. I would take one step forward, and He would violently knock me seven steps back.

"What's this?" he would bellow at me, "You dare not to fall for my bullsh*t, like every other one of your kind?"
"No," was my humble reply. "I don't buy it, I think you're full of yourself. Your rules are unreasonable and contradictory and I want no part of it. But you seem to have a good scam going on here, so ah salud, more power to you, and let's just part ways."

But of course, that is too reasonable and logical for God's tastes. So I've endured decades of misery and disappointment, when all I wanted out of life was to be happy, and pay my rent. That's it. I never wanted an exorbitant amount of wealth or power. And I have made it a point to be as honest and moral as a person who doesn't buy what God is selling can possibly be. Looking at my station in life, that has gotten me nowhere. I'm honest to a fault and after 40 years, I regret never becoming a professional criminal. But I digress.

Nutshell; God broke our deal and made me miserable. Thus endeth the precursor.

Imagine my surprise when I found a job that,
a) I absolutely adored,
b) was very, very good at, and
c) actually provided enough money to pay all the bills!

One of the last times I was content. I think it was a Tuesday.

I was *gulp* HAPPY?!?!?!
I almost didn't recognize it. Happiness. After years and years of undeserved bad luck and trouble, Life was finally not fu*king me anally sans lube. I shouted from the rooftops, "HALLELUJAH! I am finally happy!"
I really was! I even said so on this very blog and on my Facebook posts. I even broke down and thanked God for not interfering with me anymore. I figured, after all that time struggling and fighting an entity that cannot be defeated, He finally gave in and left me alone.

That proved to be a horrible, horrible error on my part, as God called in His darkest, and most dastardly, unholy ogre to sit on my head and fart.
Allow me to introduce His most evil minion; an absurd cult that calls itself Surfing the Nations.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet The Enemy.

Surfing the mutha-fu*king Nations. Let me tell you about this gaggle of kumkwats. They are a collection of surfing co*ksuckers. (see: SURFERS) who, behind the facade of a church group, convince other church groups (see: IDIOTS) to give them money so they can exploit God and the bible. They take their ill-gotten gains and go on surfing safaris the world over.

Did you get that? I'll repeat it, because it's kind of important.
To keep up appearances, on the second Tuesday of each month they give food to Wahiawa's poor and homeless, which, if you don't know Wahiawa is pretty much every native resident of that town. And believe me, the poor show up en masse for all the free grub.
What the poor don't know (and probably don't care about, to be fair) is that STN purchased two plots of property next to the PRON shop. A bar (Wahiawa's last good bar, from what I'm told) and a low rent apartment complex behind it, thus putting a bar owner out of business, his employees out of work, and dozens of families out of their homes.
You know, God's work.

Open a dictionary and look up "disgraceful" and you'll see this picture.

Next, they set their sights on what is now the defunct Divine Pleasures, my beloved PRON shop and former employer.

You see, STN wanted their temple to be in a facility that was not next door to an adult theater and had parking, so naturally they bought a plot that had no parking and was next door to an adult theater.
You know, logic, common sense and reason.

They offered to buy the property. My bosses said they were not going out of business and were not interested in selling. In short, no thank you.
If God had any decency at all, that would have been the end of it. But since God practically defines indecency, the cult could not and would not take "no" for an answer.

The last of the lovely ladies from the Lesbian section.

The cult called on their natural bedfellows, corrupt city officials, and lined their pockets with some of that "God money" and the city ensued to make life miserable for Divine Pleasures.
We had planned to upgrade the theater and arcade, while adding a few private rooms. We planned to downgrade our DVD inventory (as it is a dying medium) to make room for different merchandise. The possibilities were endless and we were all excited.
But the upgrades meant bringing the building up to code, and this is where politicians chose to side with the Evil Empire and c*ck blocked us at every turn. We would hire contractors to do the upgrades and four days into the project, along would come the City with a cease and desist order.
Then we would receive official threats of closure from the city if the building was not up to code. But we couldn't code the building because the city stopped the upgrades.
Do you see the pretty little circle created there? All the while, the cultists sat back on their worthless haunches as inspectors did their dirty work.
You know, like Christ would do.

Not anymore. Not in Wahiawa, at least.

Long story short (I know, too late), my bosses got tired of fighting a battle they never would have won, and sold out.
So basically, I have to go on unemployment because some stupid cult needs a parking lot.
Ever since I made my arrangement with God, and during the time he was ignoring it, I looked at religion (see: CULTS) from a different perspective. Instead of being an insider trapped in a place I never wanted to be in the first place, I was an outsider looking in. I looked at the state of the entire world, pretty much from a new angle. I see what God allows to happen. I see evil prospering. I see bad people thriving. I see good people struggling. Kindness is never rewarded. Those who break the rules and cheat reap all kinds of rewards. All this while a god who supposedly "loves" us, sits back and giggles his ass off. I used to think he sat back and did nothing, but I'm sure he gets a kick out of seeing innocent creatures suffer. Or else, why would he allow it to happen? To test our faith? Pardon my french, but FUCK THAT. I liken God to a child and the Earth is His ant-farm. Every time he gets bored, he shakes the ant-farm and chuckles at all the chaos. The worst part is this child never grows up and never matures.

Travesty. A mega-deplorable travesty. All due to the whim of cultists.

There are some who might think I'm wrong. They might think the forces of good defeated the forces of evil on this day. Well I'm here to tell you to fu*k off. There was nothing good out of this. Porn is a beautiful thing and everyone wants it. Those who won't admit that are the ones with the problem, not those of us who love it and are not ashamed. I bet anything we would be hard pressed to find any cultist that has half the courage it takes to be a porn star or stripper. Fu*k you all, and fu*k your shoes of the Goody-Two variety. Keep living your lives, your god's will is being done, and it doesn't matter at whose expense, as you see it.

Goodbye, old friend. None of this was your fault.

Amen, assholes.

Guardian of the Universe Gamera says, "Your blog offends me today. I would delete you from my Facebook if you weren't right about this and so justified in being bitter. Plus I find it very difficult to take serious the concept of a 'god' when I'm 200 feet tall and can take down skyscrapers with my atomic fire breath."

Internet addict Pornocat says, "Wait a minute, does this mean you won't be getting any more dirty movies with an employee discount? How will you sustain your addiction? Who will I borrow porn from? This is horrible! Meow."

Amity Island Harbor Master Frank Silva says, "I always felt these skin flicks o' yers were birthed from the briniest depths o' Davey Jones' locker and are scurvy filth. But ye right in yer assessment o' churches and stupid people. Ironically, despite right n wrong, ye will be goin' ta Hell for today's post just as sure as the summer dinks be comin' to Amity to keep our businesses afloat!"