Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"Would you say I had a plethora of gifts...?"

Yes, El Guapo, yes you do.
As do I...

The young bandito didn't know what a plethora was when inquired about such by El Guapo, but if I had any doubt what a "plethora of gifts" was, I was given a clear cut example yesterday.

Yes friends, another birthday has come and gone, and despite reaching the insufferable 4-0, (a target by the way, I did not expect to reach when I was in my twenties) this was the first birthday in a long time where I was not depressed at all. Let me take you through my day...

5am- alarm goes off. There was no need to arise so early, but for some reason I wanted to be conscience for the bulk of this particular occasion. I didn't know why, and this is also almost the exact opposite of my plans for birthdays past. Sleeping them away was always preferable to being awake. Go figure...

5:30am- get out of the shower, get dressed, walk across the street to Denny's. I had been thinking of this for months because Mr. Denny has been kind enough in the past to give a free Grand Slam Breakfast to people on their birthdays. The fact that they hadn't stopped that promotion on this very day suggested my luck had definitely turned.

Eggs, bacon, pancakes, hash browns, toast, juice and coffee. A legendary breakfast, to say the least.

On top of that, a phone call to my parents on this, their anniversary. Breakfast with mom and dad, with 3000 miles of ocean between us, but it felt as if they were sitting across the table from me. The time flew by...

7am- hop in the car and trek to the Wahiawa Porn Shop to meet Matt, my friend and co-worker who was on a mission to get a bunch of Valentine sh*t for his wife and deliver them to her at work. Dippy, saccharin infested romantic bullsh*t; not usually my cup of tea. But he needed a ride and asked for my help. I figured, what the hell, my calendar was open. Mission accomplished, with an assist from the birthday boy.

10:30am- go home. I popped the iPod into the docking station, set it to shuffle and hit play. A litany of musical all-stars made it a point to serenade me all day long while I sat and answered all my Facebook posts. And this is what amazed me the most...
Waiting for me were over sixty birthday messages. In the last five years, I don't think I had sixty birthday messages between Facebook and mySpace combined. It was a humbling experience to read and answer all the notes while, wafting through the air of my bedroom amongst the cigarette smoke, were the sounds of Billy Joel, Frank Sinatra, Bad Religion, Flotsam & Jetsam, the Ramones, Machinehead, Slayer, Men At Work, Killer Dwarfs, Supersuckers, the Reverend Horton Heat, Kittie, Death Angel, Rush, Iron Maiden, Tamela D'Amico, Social Distortion, Cadillac Tramps, Jerry Lee Lewis, Devo, Mozart, Beethoven, Liszt, and a 1970's disco compilation among others. The hours flew by at an almost alarming rate.

3pm (approx)- a phone call from Steve, Alex and Joey from New York. Thanks guys, love you all.

4pm- some quality time with the dog. Sonny, my little guy, my best friend. Seeing as he was a birthday present to me back in 2005, he had an extra-special birthday lunch too. A mix of Pedigree wet and dry with a marrow nugget, Milk Bone and ice water. He was pleasantly surprised. Then we went for a long walk. He pooped.

6pm- nap time. I had to pull an all-niter selling PRON on the Good Stuff Express, so a nap was essential to recharge my batteries. I was refreshed.

9:15pm- off to work. It was early, so I made a side trip to McDonald's with a fist full of gift certificates I had been saving for a special occasion. I have not eaten Mickey D's in over 15 years because they are so horrible, but I had the coupons so I decided to throw caution into the wind...
Big Mac, Quarter Pounder with cheese, fries and a super-sized coke. They tasted exactly the same as I fondly remember. It was like reuniting with a long lost friend. It's comforting to know some things never change.

Later that evening I pooped a little bit of blood with my stool. Unfortunately some things never change. But I can go another 15 years without McDonald's.

11pm- sold some sex. Always a good time.

12 midnight- Birthday officially over.

The only thing missing was the extra sensual, Valentine birthday date night, which the work schedule did not allow. But I have slated time on my next day off for all that, which gives me time to decide who, among the hundreds of porn stars at my renting disposal, will come home with me.

Feel free to leave suggestions but please, don't try to be funny and suggest any of the guys. I never learned how to switch hit.

Thanks to all for making my day great with Facebook posts. For those who didn't, oh well. I didn't expect too much anyway.

Feliz cumpleanos a mi, pendejos! Jajajajaja!

Internet addict Pornocat says, "There isn't enough bandwidth on all the Net for me to list my reasons and suggestions for your date night, so I'll leave that decision in your capable paws. Happy birthday, meow."