Monday, November 15, 2010

God Loves Violence

Why else would there be so much of it? It is what we do more naturally than we breathe.

We wage war. We burn sacrifices. We pillage and tear at the flesh of our brothers. We fill great fields with our stinking dead.

And why?

To show Him that we've learned from His example.

God gives us earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes. He gives us mountains that spew fire onto our heads. Oceans that swallow ships.

He gives us nature, and nature is a smiling killer.

He gives us disease so that in our death we believe He gave us orifices only so that we could feel our life bleed out of them.

He gave us lust, fury, greed and our filthy hearts so that we could wage violence in His honor.

There is no moral order as pure as a storm, no moral order at all.

There is only this question-

Can my violence conquer yours?

Saturday, October 02, 2010

Fun Facts: Condoms

Did you know...?

The condom was invented in 1786 by Muslim clerics in an effort at population control.

The first condoms were made from the inner lining of goat intestines.

That much is common knowledge, but did you know that the design was improved upon in 1818 by the Brits?

What they did was remove the intestines from the goat prior to using the lining as a condom.

I think we all owe a debt of gratitude to British ingenuity.

The impatient ghost of Robert Shaw says, "What the bloody hell is a Muslim?"

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Film Critique- "Dark Star"

I had high hopes for this one. Seriously. To say I was let down is an understatement. But considering the circumstances, maybe I was a bit harsh, but I calls 'em as I sees 'em.
From the archives at and Operation Orca, I present 1974's Dark Star.
Enjoy. I didn't.

Dark Star (1974)
starring: Brian Narelle, Cal Kuniholm, Dre Pahich, Dan O'Bannon
written by: John Carpenter & Dan O'Bannon
directed by: John Carpenter

My respect for John Carpenter as a director, and Dan O'Bannon as a screenwriter was elevated to new heights after viewing 1974's Dark Star. It's not that this unfunny attempt at a 2001: A Space Odyssey parody is any good, but I came to the realization that the most acclaimed of film makers, no matter how impressive their body of work may be, at one point in their careers they are human enough to go through growing pains.

Squeak Toys from Outer Space

The 5 intrepid astronauts aboard the scout ship Dark Star are on the senseless mission of trekking across the galaxy destroying "unstable planets" (?). The "whys" are not explained to the audience, but apparently Earthlings have a problem with planets breaking their orbits and crashing into their respective suns, causing supernovas millions of light years away from Earth (!) So much in fact, that these men have been in space doing this for twenty years, although according to the dialogue, they have only aged three years (!). What? Well...

"Set masturbators on stun."

What campy sci-fi would be complete without the obligatory computer malfunctions? Don't worry, Dark Star has oodles of them, the only difference is, none of the crew members show any cause for concern that planet-destroying bombs have nearly exploded (!), or that a "communication laser" (?) has been damaged throughout the film's running time. The chaos and lack of standard operating procedures can be understood though, for the crew of five is has actually been reduced to a crew of four before the movie even starts. Apparently, the Commander was killed due to a radiation leak some time ago (another one of those pesky "malfunctions").

"Sir, sensors are detecting heavy traces of nostril."

Why don't they call for help, or fly home to dry dock and get some repairs? Those are good questions, and they are answered before you get the chance to ask, in the film's prologue; a message from Earth's antarctic communications base saying they were happy to receive the message, and were "real sad" to hear of the Commander's death, but since it takes ten years for a message to go one way (!) there's no way they can send help. So good luck, and carry on, as it were.

So let's recap. They've been in space for twenty years and in that time, the commander has been killed, there have been exactly two messages sent, and this ship is falling apart while hauling god-awful amounts of explosives (enough to blow up multiple planets. You do the math, because apparently neither Carpenter nor O'Bannon bothered to).

"Personal log, Day 717: We set the masturbators on stun, agaaaain. I really wanna try it on the 'kill' setting."

Um, if I were in charge, I think I would turn this bird around and go home, cutting whatever losses I've had to a minimum. But it's not my call. We all must defer to Lieutenant Doolittle (Brian Narelle), who is just concerned with blowing up planets. Doolittle doesn't care about the inconsequential computer malfunctions, until too much proverbial poo-poo hits the fan, and he finds himself overwhelmed. What does he do? He opens the freezer and tries to get advice from the long-dead and frozen corpse of the old commander (!) Oddly, the dead man answers (!!) in Jesus-like riddles, not being much help, but hey, considering the man was dead to begin with, we get a whole lot more than we should have expected. What? Well...

Not quite collectible, is it?

Let's fast forward now. Due to yet another computer malfunction, Bomb #20 is unable to launch and blow up it's target planet because, well, it just won't launch. But Bomb #20 is still going to explode, because, well, that's what Bomb #20 is supposed to do. You see, Bomb #20 is this wise-cracking, super smart computer that controls the actual bomb, and it's sick and tired of constantly being called on to blow up, and then aborting because of some computer malfunction. Don't bother trying to re-read that last part, let's just say that Bomb #20 is Dark Star's HAL, and he's gonna blow the ship to pieces. Otherwise, there would be no drama, right?

The funniest thing about the bomb is the caution sticker. Other than that, it's unfunny.

Fast forward a little more. For some reason, Doolittle goes outside the ship to try and talk Bomb #20 out of blowing up the ship (!). Somehow, another crew member gets blown out into space and Doolittle goes off to rescue him. This is when Bomb #20 decides to say, "f*ck it" and blows Dark Star to bits along with crewmen Boiler (Cal Kuniholm) and Pinback (co-scribe Dan O'Bannon himself!). So Doolittle and Talby (Dre Pahich) are floating around space, wondering what to do. What happens next is... well I don't know.

Surprisingly, no Beach Boys song was on the soundtrack during this scene.

My rental disc, courtesy of Netflix was damaged and stopped right here. So let's just say that they float around until they die. Roll credits.

Dark Star is listed as "classic sci-fi comedy" but it's not funny. Not at all. I cannot recommend this film for any reason, including fun, campy goodness. There's none of that, and there's not much of a plot, or likable characters, or clever, witty computers.

Well, there is an alien, a plastic ball with feet that the crew brought onboard as a mascot, but they kill it (?) because it turns out it was just a pest(!).

Yeah, it's cute. But you laugh at it, not with it.

What? Well...

Guardian of the Universe Gamera says, "A month since your last post and you cut & paste from the archives? You are really bad at this Internet thing, Turz!"

Internet addict Pornocat says, "At least the screencaps with captions are new. They're pretty funny. Very good review. Now do another porno movie, please? Meow!"

The impatient ghost of Robert Shaw says, "Stop summoning me to read your bloody blogs!"

Thursday, August 19, 2010

One Brown Mouse

Some beer was spilled on the barroom floor
When the pub was shut for the night.
When from out of his hole crept one brown mouse
Who stood in the pale moonlight.

He lapped up the frothy foam from the floor
Then back on his haunches he sat,
And all night long you could hear the mouse roar,

Thursday, August 12, 2010

XXX Film Critique- "Babysitters"

This film comes dangerously close to not qualifying for a Turzman critique. The “plot,” albeit simplistic by even PRON standards, is so contrived to set up the sex that Babysitters is more compilation than story driven. However, since I already took the time to collect screencaps and watch the thing, away we go. From Digital Playground...

Babysitters (2007)
starring: Jesse Jane, Teagan Presley, Shay Jordan, Sophia Santi, Sasha Grey, Alektra Blue, Nikki Benz, Nautica Thorn, Gina Lynn, Angie Savage, Lexxi Tyler, Tommy Gunn, Charles Dera, Jay Lassiter
written by: I dunno, a headless monkey?
directed by: Robby D.

Five couples have plans to go out and hire babysitters to watch the kids. In what is possibly the most amazing (and forced) coincidence in all cinema history, all their plans fall through. Suddenly with oodles of free time, all the babysitters have sex with everybody. Except the children. That would be illegal.

"Um, I don't know what you think babysitting is, but I don't watch kids. I assist husbands in committing adultery!"

Aside from said coincidence, there is absolutely no lineation connecting the sex. And the sex scenes, with one exception (more on that later), aren't all that noteworthy.
We open with Tommy Gunn greeting Jesse Jane at the door, and suddenly cut to Tony De Sergio greeting Nautica Thorn at the door. Thorn is there to babysit De Sergio’s kid, so naturally they have sex. Ironic, considering his wife hired the babysitter because he’s too inept to care for his own child (who is somewhere in the house while daddy is getting his nookie, by the way).

"What, what whaaaaa?!?!?!"

Up next is Sasha Grey, but before she can get to her babysitting gig, she gets dumped by her boyfriend (!). Because she won’t have sex with him (!!). (Can’t get laid by Sasha Grey in a PRON flick?! Sucks to be you, dude.) What follows is kind of confusing…

This is a precursor to the most disturbing use of saliva, ever!

Sasha’s gig has been cancelled and the reasoning is a testament to how much of a jerk Charles Dera’s character is. Apparently, he sent his wife off to a Tupperware party so he could have a bachelor party for his friends (Jay Lassiter, Jerry and Sascha). But instead of calling a hooker or a stripper, he called a babysitter (?) To top off the nonsense, Grey is more than willing to be the star attraction of their gang-blowjob because she needs the money! So let’s think about this; she won’t have sex with her boyfriend, but she’ll have sex with complete strangers for money. Oh yeah- just the kind of girl I fantasize about. And by the way, the scene is quite probably the sloppiest, most disgusting, saliva-drenched episode I’ve ever witnessed. I swear, by the end, there’s enough spit on Grey’s face to saturate the Sahara and grow grass. I didn’t think it possible for me to lose my wood while watching a sex scene featuring Sasha Grey, but Babysitters manages to pull off that miracle.

The Surgeon General has determined that sex with Teagan Presley will cure a broken leg.

Mercifully, we cut to the Tupperware party, and I say mercifully because it leads to the best part of the film; Sophia Santi takes charge of a full-out lesbian orgy featuring Alektra Blue, Angie Savage, Lexxi Tyler, and Sammie Rhodes. As hot as the scene is, it cannot save this film because during the final four scenes, I found myself wondering when the hell this snooze-fest was going to end.

"Hmmm, guys with beer at a bachelor party. I see why you called a babysitting service."

Teagan Presley is paired with Tyler Wood, and then Shay Jordan humps Scott Nails. After pop, Nails leaves so Jordan can hump Gina Lynn and Ben English. This leads to our finale where Tommy Gunn and Nikki Benz double team Jesse Jane. Typical PRON fare, nothing special worth mentioning.

The premise of Babysitters is so absurd and the sex is so hum-drum that I cannot give this film a Turzman recommendation. Aside from high production quality (which we’ve come to expect from Digital Playground) and the one hot lesbian orgy, this film is not worth your time.

Internet addict Pornocat says, "With a title like Babysitters, they could have at least had a picture of a child somewhere to give the film credibility."

Monday, August 02, 2010

Film Critique Hiatus: IT'S SHARK WEEK !

In lieu of it being Shark Week on Discovery Channel, I find myself lacking the ambition to do anything but watch a bunch of Shark Docs on the tube.
So no mainstream stuff nor PRON will be opined on this week but the carnage will continue soon enough.

I have only one critique remaining to be retrieved from the archives at Operation Orca and NONE remaining at the now defunct KarmaCritic. So coming soon, as soon as I gather some screencaps will be my look at Dark Star, an attempt at comedy from early in John Carpenter's career.

Coming soon by way of the Pornographic Midnight Snack, I know, I promised takes on Nurses and Babysitters and I will keep my promise. Further down the road, I'll write something about an offering featuring Lanny Barbie that caught my eye from the shelves. After that, Digital Playground gets ambitious by purchasing real airplane sets for their opus, Fly Girls. Here's the trailer...

On a personal note, I suffered a tremendous loss a little over a week ago and despite knowing I did what's best for me, last week was rough. I really thought she was the one for me; so special and unique and we just "clicked" well for a long time. Well to my chagrin I came to realize that she's just as special as a pencil in an office. The same size, shape and color as the rest.
Oh well. She has taken the steps to make sure I can't contact her; ie: changed e-mail, changed phone number and a block on Facebook & mySpace. On top of that, she's moving to a new apartment this month so I won't even have a snail-mail addy.


I should see this as a blessing, though. If I apply the "out of sight, out of mind" theory the pain should secede soon enough. I honestly wish her all the best, and I hope she finds a way to purge herself of all the demons that haunt her. Apparently she took care of the first one easily enough.

I'm speaking of me, jackass!

(Good bye, KT.)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

XXX Film Critique- "No Love Lost"

This edition of the Pornographic Midnight Snack is brought to you by Digital Playground-

No Love Lost (2009)
starring: Raven Alexis, James Deen, Mick Blue, Charles Dera, Alexis Texas, Kerry Louise, Scott Nails, Kristina Rose, Sadie West
written by: uh-huh
directed by: Robby D

In what is most certainly the coolest bachelor pad I have ever seen, James Deen and Charles Vera are lounging around an indoor pool (in what appears to be the living room, no less, complete with fully stocked bar, fire pit, big screen TV and a kick-ass sound system) with a couple of hotties (Alexis Texas, Kerry Louise). Just when the romance starts wafting into the air, there’s a knock on the door…

Ah, to be young and single in the PRONiverse!

…and Deen welcomes old friend Raven Alexis who is running away from her abusive boyfriend (Scott Nails). Raven sees the coupling alignment and doesn’t want to be the fifth wheel at the party. This normally is not a problem in the PRONiverse but Deen anticipated her arrival and planned accordingly. Enter Mick Blue, who is more than happy to play jack to Raven’s rabbit, so our number of players is evened out.

Upon showing her to her room, Raven provides Deen and the rest of us with some exposition, thus allowing this film to be story based. Her boyfriend beats her and she wants out. That’s not a problem for Deen, who obviously has plenty of room in his mansion for her to stay as long as she wants. “Just put on your bikini and join the party downstairs.” Deen says…

"Hello. I am a damsel in distress. Have ye a knight for me, kind sir?"

…so she does, and the table is set for most of our sex. After a few minutes of idle chat and some horseplay around the pool, the three couples part ways for some pseudo privacy. In three separate scenes, Dera hooks up with Alexis Texas, Kerry Lousie boinks Deen and of course, Raven is paired with Blue. The scenes are done quite well. They start off hot and maintain intensity while chewing up a fair amount of run time.

"Sorry, fresh out of knights. All I got left is this."

Alexis Texas uses her best ASSet (her butt, silly!) to pound away at Vera in this reverse cowgirl that made my jaw drop to the floor, and the pairing of Deen and Kerry is quick paced and stays fresh with a lot of position changes. Raven and Blue play it slowly and more sensual which works well because we can tell she is just so happy to be having sex with somebody other than her boyfriend. Which segues to the boyfriend.

Are you serious? Ladies? Really?

Next day, Scott drops by unannounced while Raven’s home alone, prepping a late breakfast for herself. He pulls off a noble effort on the “so you thought you could just walk away” schtick and has a little revenge sex. There’s nothing brutal about the scene, it’s just your standard PRON fare and Raven looks as if she’s enjoying it once she stops her whimpering. If this is her idea of abusive, she should be running away twice as fast from Mick Blue, based on just the last scene. But Scott is the film’s designated bad boy so shortly after pop he gets his ass whupped by Blue when the gang gets back from wherever it was they went. Deen and Dera have traded in the first girls for Sadie West and Christina Rose for reasons that remain a mystery, but it’s no downgrade. Dera has West while Deen takes Rose in two separate scenes to close the film on a strong note.

Hey! No non sex-related horseplay in the pool area! There's no lifeguard on duty.

Surprisingly, there’s no final scene with Raven and Blue. One would think that the hero and damsel should make whoopee once the “dragon” is slayed but alas, the film makers either wanted to keep the run time down or they were bound by the Mick Blue Proviso.

Revenge sex in 3... 2... 1

As is the case with Digital Playground productions, the quality is top-notch. The picture is clear, sound is crisp and overall is on tier with mainstream cinema. Raven Alexis is dazzling as the featured performer, as the earthy brunette gloriously teeters somewhere between “girl next door” and “the dorky teen from high school that grew up into a top shelf hottie.” Unfortunately, her acting (and the other cast members, too) is the nail in this coffin.

"Don't let my tattoo fool you. I'm really a tough guy."

The story is simple enough for PRON standards but the actors deliver rather poorly. Raven’s exposition with Deen is almost enough to make you want to eject the disk altogether (thank God for fast-forward!) and Blue is out-loud laughable when he’s hitting on her, and still more laughs are elicited during his “fight scene” with Nails. No, the dramatization No Love Lost attempts is certainly a train-wreck.

"Are you man enough to take me, my posse and my posse's pussy? Huh?"

The sex is worth the drama though, as all performers deliver admirably and Raven Alexis is, to coin a phrase, cute as a button. I recommend this film.

Guardian of the Universe Gamera says, "Scott Nails can sure use a lesson or three on self-defense. He went down faster than a porn star when the director yells action! What? That was funny, no?"

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

XXX Film Critique- "Strictly Conversation"

This installment of the Pornographic Midnight Snack deals with a film that caught my eye with its very clever marketing ploy; it's title. Strictly Conversation in name is a far cry from what I'm used to seeing on the shelves (for example, Nut in my Butt, Part 4 comes to mind). Couple that with the absolutely adorable Meggan Mallone on the DVD cover, and I had no choice but to give this flick a shot. And I'm glad I did.

From Vivid studios, I am proud to give you...

Strictly Conversation (2008)
starring: Meggan Mallone, Lorena Sanchez, Ramon Nomar, Chris Johnson
written by: pffft- yeah right!
directed by: Paul Thomas

Strictly Conversation is exactly the type of PRON I had in mind when I hatched this brilliant idea of XXX critiquing at Turzman Central. It’s a mix of hot sex with a simple plot that tells a nice, easy story connecting the sex to the literature.

Meggan Mallone wants to learn how to speak Spanish because someday, she’s gonna visit Spain. Or Mexico, whichever.

That’s it.

"Tee-hee, you teacha me que habla espanglish?"

And that’s all it needs. This plot point, microscopic by mainstream standards, is spread out thinly yet evenly across the film’s run time and works fine as Strictly Conversation’s main plot.

"Oh HELL no! Oh no you dinnah hit on MY man!"

Mallone is getting a lesson from an unaccredited friend over lunch in a Mexican restaurant. She flirts with the waiter (Ramon Nomar) which pisses off his girlfriend (Lorena Sanchez). They have sex in the kitchen while they argue in Spanish (sans subtitles, so bilingualism on your part will be a plus if you ever watch this flick).
After pop, they’re still arguing and just when we, the viewers, are ready to move on, the film does exactly that…

…and shows us an example of Meggan’s home life. She’s working hard to be the perfect girlfriend to Chris Johnson who, despite her cooking, cleaning, planning of activities and sexual advances, just sits on his ass watching TV and drinking beer. What a moron.
When Chris finally breaks down and has sex with her (reluctantly, fer Chrissakes!) they only get halfway done because Meggan has to go pee. Instead of waiting patiently and having more sex, Chris gets dressed and leaves the room, leaving her alone in heat wondering what she did wrong.

Have I mentioned that Chris is a moron?

Will somebody please check this man for a pulse ?!?!

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Ramon and Lorena are still arguing. When Meggan shows up for another Spanish lesson her teacher is a no-show. Ramon gladly agrees to teach her, pissing off Lorena even more.

The next day, Meggan meets Ramon and tows him to a house where they can peep through the window at a threesome getting ready for a little GBG action (Carmen McCarthy, Holly West, Voodoo). Naturally they get horny and head back to the restaurant for some afternoon delight.

"I don't know, Meggan. This is even illegal in Mexico!"

Ramon actually does teach Meggan some words, and it’s kind of hot, but halfway through, Lorena walks in to see her boyfriend cheating and exercises her rite of Coitus Interruptus. In the real world, this is the part where Lorena gets seriously pissed and starts yelling and throwing things. But this is the PRONiverse, so naturally Lorena instead goes down on a scared-cowering Meggan, sending the distinct message, “Hey girl, it’s all good.” A hot lesbian scene ensues. Ramon joins in, they finish off and all is forgiven.

Here we have a textbook example of "Coitus Interruptus."

All Meggan needs now to end this perfect day would be for Chris to not be such a jerk, right? Well guess what…
She comes home to find Chris dressed only in a sombrero and poncho, holding a pair of tickets to Acapulco. Meggan gets laid, learns Spanish and gets a trip to Mexico! Oh happy day.

Yay, makeup sex! Pop, roll credits.

Hop-Along Douchebag

Mallone has a really cute “girl-next-door” kind of thing going on and her sex is very arousing. She delivers her lines adequate enough and I think she has what it takes to be a PRON leading lady.
To hear Lorena and Ramon bicker in Spanish during sex is pretty hot, too. Overall, I was pleased with and recommend this film for couples and those tired of the constant in your face POV pounding.

Amity Island Harbor Master Frank Silva says, "If ye ever send me a skin flick without warning again I'll use ye fer CHUM. Me wifey opened this thinking ye sent vacation videos. Luckily I keep smellin' salts in the cabin because mother faints often."

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Mick Blue Proviso

Here's a little tidbit I discovered while doing "research" for upcoming XXX Turzman Critiques that I wanted to share because as I've said all along...
I want to educate as well as entertain.

The Mick Blue Proviso (n): A porno industry union stipulation that requires a producer to increase the rate of pay by 75% to an actress expected to perform in a sex scene with Mick Blue:

It also stipulates that the producer must provide trained, professional crisis counseling to said actress afterward, if necessary.

That is one very, creepy-looking individual.

Of course, I kid Mr. Blue. I have the highest respect (and a certain degree of jealousy) for men who do what he does for a living. I only post this nugget as a precursor for this week's Pornographic Midnight Snack at Turzman Central.
I have in fact watched two titles from Digital Playground with the hopes that they would meet the requirements I set for myself when picking titles for this forum. To my dismay, neither Babysitters nor Nurses quite fit the bill, storywise. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, except that I expected some PRON to have a plot. But I did not give up...

Over the course of this past weekend, I came across two discs that were acceptable. Next time Turzman Dot Com gets a new post, I will opine on Vivid's Strictly Conversation, starring Meggan Malone. After that, I'll pen a critique for No Love Lost, Digital Playground's first starring vehicle for Raven Alexis.

As to the mainstream stuff, I just finished collecting screencaps for Them! (1954) and The Valley of Gwangi (1969), two films that helped define me when I was a kid.

Your patience for me has been much appreciated. I know I should have posted something new before now, but I was feeling silly about the whole thing after receiving not a one comment for the PMS's first installment. Now I realize, I don't care about comments, which is probably why I decided to critique PRON in the first place.

Stay well and Stay Out of the Water.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Flim Critique- "The Mummy's Kiss: Second Dynasty"

Another blast from the past as I regurgitate a critique based on a film I saw after paneling a radio show where we were briefly sidetracked to softcore pron.
I'm not sure if that little blurb was as informative as intended, but who cares, really.
Also, please forgive the lack of screencaps. I went to all my sources and there were none to be found! My apologies.
So, I present to you, my intrepid readers, from KarmaCritic circa May 2008---

The Mummy's Kiss: Second Dynasty (2006)
starring: Kylie Wyote, Christine Nguyen, Stacy Burke
written and directed by Donald F. Glut

Not too long ago, one of our Karma-discussions quickly glazed over porn and its storyline deficiencies. It was a topic as quickly forgotten as it was talked about, and we moved on. Then, it was as if fate had intervened, for I stumbled across Mummy's Kiss: 2nd Dynasty. As I sat in bed, lube in hand, a revelation occurred; this erotic lez-fest had a pretty tight story going for it. So strong was the story, that I almost lost my wood as I was riveted by the plot (!). I said almost...

Donald F. Glut's follow-up to his mildly successful (by erotica standards) Mummy's Kiss (2003) offers top-billing to Kylie Wyote (aka Belinda Gavin, a personal fave) over Playboy playmate Christine Nguyen. The rest of the cast is a mish-mash of erotica's standard supporting players; Stacy Burke, Andrea Smith, Cindy Pucci, Alisa Robinson, Lorielle New and the Starr twins, Taylor and Tyler.

Our villain is eeeeeviiiiiil museum curator, Dr. Zita Furneaux (Wyote) who's getting ready to unveil the museum's latest exhibit, a mummy (hence the film's title). Nguyen plays investigative tabloid reporter Elyse Lam, on assignment to cover the museum's newest resident, but suspects something is fishy. It turns out her nose for news is on target, as eeeeeviiiiil Dr. Furneaux has discovered the secret to eternal youth, with some help from long dead Egyptian goddess, Neffer-Titty (Burke). I'm sure I'm mis-spelling that, as the name is almost unpronounceable, even by those with script in hand, not to mention difficult to spell. So for our purposes, let's call her Neffer-Titty.

Neffer-Titty confides in Dr. Furneaux that if she obtain people's "tam," (or life-spirit, I guess) she will reverse the aging process, which is just what the doctor ordered for eeeeviiiil Dr. Furneaux, as she finds herself smack-dab in the middle of a mid-life crisis. Neffer-Titty grants her the power to control the now revived mummy by way of a sacred amulet (you just knew there would be an amulet eventually in this flick). So the mummy goes out to kidnap young ladies, bring them to the museum, where Furneaux takes their tam through lesbian sex. (yay!) But eeeeviiiil Dr. Furneaux gets power-drunk and a bit too big for her own britches as she starts to see herself as a goddess. This doesn't sit well with Neffer-Titty, as she is a goddess who doesn't like to share the spotlight.

Meanwhile, Lam's investigation of the missing girls leads her to the museum, where she's caught by the mummy and engages in a four-way lesbian orgy with Furneaux's freshly-squeezed, tam-free handmaidens as the good doctor looks on. Pretty riveting stuff, no? Well hold on a sec...

After all, this is softcore porn and the script isn't exactly perfect, maybe not as strong as I'm building it up to be. Where Glut's script is strong in story and to a degree, even conveyance, his dialogue is surprisingly shoddy. Not surprising for a skinflick, but considering how good the story is, it seems odd that Glut would suddenly turn lazy when it came to speeches. I mean, Nguyen's Lam says and does things we all know an investigative reporter wouldn't say or do, and a lot of it doesn't really help the story as plot points. In fact, Nguyen's character really does nothing to resolve the conflict. She's just there as a topless Playboy playmate, and even though she does light a small fire under Furneaux's ass (to add a little tension, I suppose) eeeviiil Dr. Furneaux gets her come-uppins by way of a vengeful Neffer-Titty and the mummy as a recently tam-relieved Nguyen lies comatose on an altar.

Oh well, so it's not all roses. But now, some more good stuff.

The special effects are way cool. The mummy makeup is effectively creepy in night shots, and in light, it's not goofy at all. Very nice. And, Furneaux's transformations from old to young as she acquires more tam is very well done. In a nutshell, there's nothing cheesy at all about the fx, so visually speaking, this film is much better than the average softcore erotica.

As for performances, Wyote is a bit over-the-top for my taste, even as a villianess. And as I said before, Nguyen is just sort of there as eye-candy, but she delivers her weak dialogue about as well as can be expected with bad material. Neffer-Titty and the handmaidens are portrayed no different than you would expect in a film like this; topless and monotone, but not bad enough to ruin the film as a whole.

So I guess I recommend this film. Even if softcore isn't your cup of tea, rent this film, grab your significant other (or a bottle of lube) and have a little fun.

Internet addict Pornocat says, "She engages in a four-way lesbian orgy and you don't have screencaps?!? Mother-MEOWer!"

Guardian of the Universe Gamera says, "So are you going to just phone in your reviews from now on, Turz?"

Monday, June 21, 2010

XXX Film Critique- "Haunted"

For this first installment of your brand new, Pornographic Midnight Snack, I critique a film featuring a personal fave from the annals (tee hee) of PRON, Briana Banks. Why is she a personal fave? One need only watch her lone scene in today's morsel to understand why, for it is the only scene worth watching in this otherwise lackluster Jerome Tanner film from Legend.

Haunted (2001)
starring: Briana Banks, Claudia Adkins, Meriesa Arroyo, Evan Stone, Toni James, Bobby Vitale & Friday.
written by: are you kidding me???
directed by: Jerome Tanner

Amateur ghost hunter Briana Banks (before ghost hunting was trending on SciFi channel and the like) is convinced a certain house is haunted. She gathers three of her friends (Friday, Mariesa Arroyo, Dillon Day) to prove it to them.

Meet your team, folks. No hi-tech equipment, no green van, no talking dog. Just this.

We the viewers already know said house is haunted, thanks to an otherwise completely unrelated sex scene during the opening titles. Hunky apparition Mark Wood materializes for a romp with pre-bath Claudia Adkins. After pop, the only remaining ghostly evidence is a love letter written on the mirror in lipstick.

"Oh no! Did we forget to bring wine and ouija?"

But rather than set up infrared cameras and super-sensitive sound recording equipment, they sit around and drink while Briana delivers the minimum descriptive exposition required for a film to be considered "story based." There's no back story about the spooks residing there nor is there anything particularly special about the house. Indeed, glaringly absent is the "why is the house haunted" scenario, and how does Briana know for sure in the first place? Her message, in even simpler terms than delivered in the film, is "this house is haunted and if we hang out long enough we'll see ghosts." That's it.

"Nope. Wine and ouija, check!" *whew!*

Our brave gang soon come to realize that it's not chanting, burning candles or ouija boards that attract ghosts, but rather hot sex that does. Friday passes out drunk and is left alone to sleep it off. Mysteriously, her nighty slowly slips off, by itself! (booga-booga! effective PRONfx, lol). And then she has sex with a ghost (Evan Stone).

Let's just call this foreshadowing.

After pop, Friday runs downstairs to tell everyone what happened (still naked, of course). Hysterical, Friday runs out of the room. Intrigued, Briana and Day follow her. (They wanted to get a jump on analyzing the ectoplasm, I'm sure). Horny, Arroyo stays behind and starts playing with herself. Which, of course attracts another ghost (Lee Stone) and they have sex.
Day being the odd man out (both literally and figuratively) is concerned that he's the only one not getting laid by ghosts in this place and goes outside to ponder this with a cigarette. Enter the ghost played by Toni James and the stage is set for their sex scene.

The hostess with the mostest ghostests.

We finally get to Briana's lone sex scene in the film and believe me, it's worth the wait. Encircled by the lit candles, she performs one of the hottest solo acts in my memory, and when her otherworldly partner (Bobby Vitale) shows up, the scene loses no intensity. It is by far, the best part of the film and explains why, in part, Ms. Banks was one of the more popular porn stars when she was in her prime.
The other four scenes are not only more tame than the finale, but they are so much more uninspired. Director Jerome Tanner's lack of imagination is so blatant because each scene is formulaic and can be carbon copies of all the others. They follow the same pattern; solo act, bj, vaginal, anal, vaginal from behind and then pop. Banks' scene does this as well, but she delivers a more intense performance without going over the top. This shows that, when left to her own devices, Briana Banks deserved to be amongst the elite of the A-Listers of her day.

"Hell yes! We should do this again next week AND invite more friends!"

What would I have done differently? For starters I would have added more variety to the sexy stuff. But more importantly, I would have done something to make the purported haunted house look at least a little haunted. Again, Tanner's lack of imagination is on display as our setting looks exactly like what it is; any one of a hundred Hollywood area homes owned by whichever porn producer is on vacation that week, renting it out to another porn producer shooting a porn film in it. With only the slightest effort (a cobweb here, a black cat there accompanied by a spooky soundtrack) we the viewers could at least infer the house is haunted, thus making the dialogue unnecessary and freeing up some minutes for a shorter run time or an extra sex scene.
That's what I would have done.

If real-life ghost hunters looked like this, they'd get better results.

Coming up on the PRON front, Digital Playground's Babysitters with Jesse Jane.
Still to be rescued from Operation Orca are critiques for Dark Star and Mummy's Kiss: 2nd Dynasty.
And down the line, brand new Turzman Critiques for Abominable (2006) and The Valley of Gwangi (1969).

Internet addict Pornocat says, "Where are all the NSFW screencaps?"