My lack of blogging suggests I am not the wordsmith I wish I was. They say, "a good writer is always writing" and my last post was over two months ago. Unless 2 plus 2 suddenly equals five, I don't like the message I send myself when I think about it. Sadly, I still don't want to write. But dammit, I promised a critique of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and by golly, here it is...
Shark vs. Ock is exactly what you would expect from the douchebags in charge of The Asylum; a piece of crap with its best moments on display in the teaser/trailer. So don't waste your time with it.
I can offer some advice to its two stars. Lorenzo Lamas should keep doing exactly what he's doing because this is probably as good as it gets. Debbie Gibson should do porn. She leans toward pretty, and in porn her acting skills would almost be on par with her peers.
Now you may have noticed that this review is lacking a certain "something" compared to my critiques of the past. Yeah, it's called passion. I aint got it no more. But I assure you, Shark vs. Ock had illicited all the due attention it deserved. But in my defense, I did go above and beyond the call, as I have prepared for you, my intrepid readers, photo illustrations! Not screencaps. I have managed to encapsulate Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus using only my camera, an obscure GI JOE character, my MEG tooth and two unsuspecting Beanie Babies.
This is as good as the film's fx. The same cgi sequences repeated 3 and 4 times, which is sad considering during the film's 90-somewhad minute run time, the titular beasties are featured for only about eleven of those minutes. Pathetic.
This is a representation of Debbie Gibson's performance pinnacle in the film. It's the scene where she says something along the lines of, "Hey! Look at the size of this tooth fragment I found in a dead beached whale! I rule."
I got an itch that only Netflix can scratch, and I'm finding out Netflix has no nails. I know I promised a critique for Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus a while back and I've done everything in my power to get the film, short of paying upwards of $20 for a film that will probably suck. But I did bump the film to the top of my queue days before its release. Before I continue, I want to clarify that this isn't necessarily a bitch session about Netflix per se. I have never had a problem with them and have been very happy with their service. But they're toying with me now, and I'm frigging pissed. I'm well aware that Shark vs. Ock is (God knows why) a very anticipated film. It's been the buzz of the Internet for the last month because of it's gloriously cheesy yet entertaining trailer...
So naturally, I wasn't annoyed to see the "very long wait" notification upon its release. But it's been over two weeks, and no title has ever made me wait this long. What's worse is, about three days after its release, the status changed to "available now." It just so happened I had two rentals returned that very day. Imagine my surprise when I received not Shark vs. Ock, but rather a compilation from season 3 of Law & Order and the final disk from season 2 of The Odd Couple. And yet, when I checked Netflix, Shark vs. Ock was still listed as available. The next day, it was changed back to "very long wait" and has not changed since.
What the hell, Netflix? What the frigging HELL?!?!?!?! Your list is writing checks that your service can't cash. Now I'm not ready to pull the plug on Netflix just yet. It's been a convenient and (up until now) reliable service, but Netflix right now is definitely at the top of my Shit List Queue (HA!) and the only way they're getting off is when I see my frigging Mega Shark lock horns with a Giant Octopus.
Un oso y un conejo fueron hacer del bano en el bosque. El oso dice al conejo, "Perdoname pero tienes tu problema con caca atorada en tus pelos?" El conejo dice, "No. No tengo problemas."
El oso hagarra el conejo y limpia su culo con el.
Translation available upon request.
In the meantime, go burn your face. Talking Heads used to kick ass. What happened?
JCVD starring Jean-Claude Van Damme written by Frederic Benudis, Mabrouk El Mechri & Christophe Turpin directed by Mabrouk El Mechri
Way back when I critiqued My Name is Bruce, I said it took the formula from Three Amigos! and Galaxy Quest and dropped the ball in the laugh department. Which is unfortunate because it was supposed to be a comedy. Although tagged as comedy, JCVD is not funny except in the few moments when it tries to be. This film is a drama and it's damn good. Former mega-super celebrity Jean-Claude Van Damme (playing himself) has hit rock bottom. He got his ass kicked in a divorce, is about to lose custody of his daughter and has depleted his bank account to pay his lawyers. Upon returning home to Belgium, he goes to a post office to collect a money-order loan from his agent in Los Angeles (post offices double as banks in some European countries). Van Damme's timing sucks as bad as his luck as he walks in, smack dab in the middle of a robbery. Witnesses outside recognized him, saw him enter and the local authorities believe he is the one robbing le poste when the doo doo hits the fan. JCVD is not your typical Van Damme vehicle, as it is lacking in karate chops, high kicks, big explosions, fast action, wafer-thin supporting characters, an over the top villian, absurd plot devices and a predictable ending. Here, we have instead oodles of suspense & drama, a great performance from Van Damme and a deep excursion into the human condition. He shows us a side of himself that was probably deemed as "unmarketable" for his image, and strong acting chops (also unmarketable for big action cheese of the 90's, lol). Although fictional the story of JCVD remains firmly planted within the realm of realty, giving the film the feel of a documentary. The characters never do anything stupid or unfeasable for the context and the viewer never has to suspend disbelief. The film effectively creates the "realism" effect that the recent rash of "camcorder pov" movies we have been subjected to lately failed miserably to achieve. As to Van Damme's performance, it is remarkable, certainly the best of his career. It's a damn shame he waited this long to showcase his acting skills. One scene in particular when Van Damme makes a confession of sorts directly to the audience, is nothing short of tear-jerking. He actually breaks the fourth wall twice in the film. The first time is so subtle it can be easly missed, but serves as foreshadowing for the second time; an elongated scene (shot in one sequence sans editing) that starts with him asking the question, "Why did I do this? Why did I do this film?" What follows is about six minutes of exposition where Van Damme talks about his failed marriage, his daughter, an addiction to drugs, his celebrity, his fall from grace and how losing it all nearly drove him to the brink of self-destruction. Because it is spoken in his native French, it loses nothing in translation, and the viewer cannot help but be moved. Had it been spoken in English, it almost certainly would have been too hokey to illicit anything but laughs. The scene is a cognizant pause from the story proper, but is delivered within the story's context, so we believe we are really watching a celebrity, in a dangerous situation reflecting upon himself. A life flashing before the eyes type of moment. By the end Van Damme is in tears, and as the scene falls back into the story proper, there is a moment where we almost expect the characters (both villains and hostages) to break out into applause. I'll go as far as to say this scene alone warranted an Oscar nomination. Of all my Turzman Critiques, JCVD gets my strongest recommendation, if for nothing else, Van Damme's performance. Fans of the flexible Beligian may not appreciate JCVD as it is completely different from anything he's done. But people who have chastised and jeered the man in the past may want to view this and reconsider their opinions of Msr. Jean-Claude.
Seth McFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy: Uncensored. starring Seth McFarlane, among others written by Seth McFarlane, among others directed by Greg Colton
If the word "uncensored" means nothing more than not bleeping out curse words, then you may consider that to be the only success of this unfunny, 90 minute drab-fest with topics ranging from sex to, well, sex. Viewers hoping for a disc that would make the foulest of potty-mouths blush are gonna have to look somewhere else. The topics covered in Cavalcade are not nearly as raunchy as stuff one can watch on cable TV. Any unsuspecting episode of South Park or even The Simpons puts Cavalcade to shame, which is surprising considering McFarlane is responsible for the comedic gem Family Guy and the moderately funny American Dad. So surprising in fact, that it makes me wonder if Family Guy spinoff, The Cleveland Show will even be worth watching. Who am I kidding? I'll watch Cleveland.
That's all for now. Next time I'll tackle Liam Neeson as he throws his hat into the Jason Bourne/James Bond ring with Taken. Also, I'll critique the most anticipated direct to DVD, probably piece of crap the morons over at The Asylum have ever released, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. I know how that sounds, and you're probably right. But the trailer alone merits viewing...
Oh, HELL yes!
Guardian of the Universe Gamera says, "I long for the days when Turz used words like 'shallow,' 'pedantic' and 'downtrodden' in his critiques. Can you please review a stinker in the near future? Thank you."
Amity Island Harbor Master Frank Silva says, "Shark versus octopus? That may be a good fight, but it's lousy eatin'. How 'bout swordfish versus tuna fish? Cod versus shrimp? Quahog clam versus lobster, with melted butter and iced Narragansett lager. Anyone? Hello?"
Internet addict PornoCat says, "Turz and I are still looking for some good quality Reverend Horton Heat videos, to no avail. HELP PLEASE!?!?!? Meow."
My lack of blogging suggests I am not the wordsmith I wish I was. They say, "a good writer is always writing" and my last post was over two months ago. Unless 2 plus 2 suddenly equals five, I don't like the message I send myself when I think about it.
