...onscreen that is. The big screen. On a Dark and Stormy Night premiered to a sold out audience last night at the Krikorian Premiere Theater in Redlands, Ca. It was well recieved. Overall, last night was, in a word, triumphant.
Rather than bore you with with a blow by blow account of the evening, check out these pix of the after party at Mikan Teppan House and the after-after party at Denny's at 2 in the morning.
Guardian of the Universe, Gamera says, "Big deal. Did you beat down on any giant monsters in defense of the Universe last night? I didn't think so. You want to impress me? Defeat Guiron or the Gyaos'. Then get back to me for your medal, tough guy."
Amity Island Harbor Master Frank Silva says, "I know it was your big night, Turz. And I know this is your website, but did you have to post pictures of yourself? There seemed to be a lot of pretty women there, and you post pictures of yourself. Selfish vanity, Mr. Turz."
Internet addict PornoCat says, "Were there any pretty cats at the premiere? If not, can I find pictures of the girls who were there topless on the Net?"
Gold digging hussie REDSEXGODDESS says, "You didn't send me an invitation. Could you at least send me some money?"
The impatient ghost of Robert Shaw says, "Why the bloody hell am I here?"
We are officially in Butterfly Mode here at Turzman Dot Com. The world premiere for On a Dark and Stormy Night is only three days away and I'm proud to say that the show had sold out almost two weeks ago. The movie that I had given up for dead, thinking it would never play on a big screen, will play at the Krikorian in Redlands, barring any last minute, ***** *********.
*sentence deleted*
If I may add to what little pride I have left, I'd like to announce that Stormy Night has been slated for two screenings on the campus of the illustrious California State University at San Bernardino. Seeing as how three of the film's participants are alumni, there will be a Q & A session after both screenings. Yes, I was asked and accepted to be on both panels. I'm almost duty-bound, seeing as how my diploma (signed by the Governator himself) has the CSUSB logo stamped on it somewhere. It is a small honor, and I'm proud to be a part. Now, if the powers that be can finally **** **** ***** *** ******** *** **...
To recap, the Krikorian premiere is January 29, and the two Cal State screenings will be Thursday and Friday, February 5 & 6 at noon.
No comments from any of the regular crazies, but rather a random picture from this unfamiliar computer...
"Dear Lord, I am thankful that I ended up in this home and NOT Michael Vick's"
starring Shannon Tweed, Bill Maher, Karen Mistal, Adrienne Barbeau written & directed by J.F. Lawton
I’ve been sitting on this film for over a week, and I know I promised a review of Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. After viewing however, I was tempted to NOT critique it because it wasn’t the film I thought it would be. It’s not the teat-laden, B-cheese I thought, but rather a political satire. I suppose the writing was on the wall, seeing that the male lead features Bill Maher. In the 80’s, when everyone and their neighbor was a stand up comedian, Maher was moderately successful as a satirist. The top biller, Shannon Tweed is also out of place, as her career was comprised mostly of “sexual thrillers.” She did very little comedy and even less satire, so needless to say, I was perplexed. I decided to view the film based on the merits of its title alone, and I learned its simple yet poignant lesson; extremism bad, equality good. Although that lesson is learned from exposition peppered throughout the film, rather than through the actual plot. But the plot is so ridiculous and simplistic, that almost any generic sub-cabal may be inserted without inhibiting its integrity and serves the purpose of padding the run time to the required feature length.
"Do my bling and chest hairs impress you?"
The nation’s avocado supply is running dangerously low and somehow, this seriously endangers national security (?). Wait, it gets better. There is an ample supply of avocados in California’s Avocado Jungle, which is a vast Amazonian-like area stretching from Bakersfield to the Mexican border (?). Wait, there’s more. Said jungle is inhabited by a cannibalistic, scantily-clad gaggle of cover girls known as the Piranha Women who aren’t privy to outsiders coming for their avocados so they eat trespassers. But Americans need their guacamole, so the government sends in the military, which is swiftly defeated and eaten (by bikini girls with bows and arrows!). The department of National Security approaches feminist college professor Dr. Margo Hunt (Tweed) to go into the jungle with two objectives;
a) a deal with the Piranhas. Their jungle and all the avocados in exchange for relocation to condominiums in Malibu. And b) to find out what happened to the last feminist college professor who went in with the same objective, Dr. Kurtz (Adrienne Barbeau).
"Tee-hee. I'm pretty. Tee-hee."
Dr. Hunt and her trustworthy, bubble-headed sidekick Bunny (Karen Mistal) travel to that vile place of scum and villainy, San Bernardino to hire a tracker. Coincidentally, they hire Margo’s ex, Jim (Maher) to lead them into the jungle, where they eventually find out why the Piranha Women have no interest in outsiders other than as appetizers.
Ah, political satire. That gem of a genre whose average tenure of staying power is about six months, depending on the subject’s topicality timeliness. Let’s face it, once a news item is no longer getting headlines, even the lowest brow of humor will ignore it. But some subjects will tend to resonate a little longer than most, depending on the tenacity of its advocacy. Feminism is such a topic, and the target of Cannibal Women, but the movie was made back in 1989. It’s not exactly at the top of everyone’s “to do” list, so Netflix cleverly marketed it as titty-laden B-cheese. It worked in my case, probably because I’m a sucker for titty-laden B-cheese. So you can imagine my surprise when I realized this was not only tit free (save for the extended scenes of nekkidness during the titles), but it also had a pretty significant message. Significant, at least, to someone who cares about feminism. I do not. It’s not that I’m insensitive to the plight of the modern woman. I just don’t care. I got enough problems of my own, being a heterosexual white male in this day and age, the deck is stacked against me a little more each day. So, my apologies, ladies. I can offer this comfort; Cannibal Women is a funny film and I recommend it.
"Wait a minute, why are you putting vegetables in my bath water?"
Despite being dated by production quality and feel, feminism is still topical, and all the stereotypes are represented. Maher as the male-chauvinist, trying to represent as the Indiana Jones-clone, jungle guide. He would have you believe that the success of the mission lives and dies on his back. But his incompetence as a guide force him to play second banana to the intelligence of Tweed’s Dr. Hunt, or the film’s version of “the good lesbian” (although her character is not lesbian) with the pants-suit and her “everyone should be seen as equal / live and let live” attitude. This is the contrast to “the bad lesbian” representation in the Piranha Women and their man-hating, bitchy, bull dikey presuppositions (ironically displayed here as centerfold babes in loin cloth). Finally there’s Bunny as the materialistic dipshit stereotype that all feminists hate seeing women portrayed as, but the film’s stance on her is unclear. Hunt brings this obviously unqualified bottom-feeder along to show her the ways of moderate feminism, but Bunny gravitates to the more extreme, wanting to join the Piranha Women for the sole reason that she thinks loin cloth is quite fashionable. And in the end, she winds up marrying Jim, who never changes his chauvinistic ways despite being duped by the Piranhas and outdone by Dr. Hunt. You may analyze that sequence as you see fit and draw any conclusion, but I don’t think the film expects that much effort from its viewers. Cannibal Women has its share of memorable moments (the scene where Jim introduces beer to the pussified, indigenous male inhabitants of the jungle is worth the rental alone), and the performances are credible. Fans of Adrienne Barbeau may be disappointed as she has little more than a cameo, but fans of Shannon Tweed will be pleased as she is surprisingly good as the sole serious, straight faced character amongst the chaotic slapstick. Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death is a wonderful compliment to a six pack of suds and your munchies of choice. (Bong rips wouldn’t hurt, either.) If you need to kill an evening, there are worse ways to do it.
Confused pugilist Jiffy Jeff says, "Duh, I thought that guy from Real Time only talked about the president and stuff."
Barney Miller explains bigotry-
Zorg explains chaos-
Robin Williams explains golf-
and Flotsam and Jetsam perform "Swatting at Flies"-
and from the "Girls I really, really want to have sex with but who wouldn't?" files, Swan, aka Justine Joli.
That's right, as I sit and type this waste of time, disc 1 awaits me in my player, courtesy of Netflix. It's 1 am, I can't sleep, and I'm blogging on somebody else's PC. So don't expect any original images or comments from my cast of regulars.
Coming soon to Turzman Dot Com:
My review of Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death.
No shit. It's a real movie starring Shannon Tweed and Bill Maher. You won't want to miss my critique of this lost gem from 1989.
I was gonna review a shark flick called Marina Monster but it was so bad it made me want to gouge my eyeballs out with a spoon. God, I wish some people didn't make movies.
Well, the boys at the 12th precinct are waiting, so I will quickly search for a random image off this unfamiliar computer and comment on it. Stand by...
Okay. This is a picture of bread racks. Please note the bread. It's amazing what one may find while trolling other people's computers.
